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 adjust
ɥƃnouǝʇuɐɔı
 
Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 8,583
Loc: Canada, LOL
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 Just writing about how I feel right now
#8644388 - 07/16/08 08:15 PM (4 months, 17 days ago) |
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I am slowly coming realize that I have serious mental problems...
I have set up my life like this. I find the most difficult highest paying job, work at it for a few months, then take a year or more off living off my savings. I have worked drilling for oil, drilling for diamonds, uranium... these are high paying jobs.
When I am living off my savings (unemployed) I feel pretty good. I live simply, read a lot and generally just relax and have a good time.
However there is always the problem that the good times must end or I will have nothing to eat... so the cycle repeats itself.
It is only during the working periods that mental illness becomes a problem... I'll list some symptoms and you tell me what you think.
When stressed at work I can "believe" the strangest things without any evidence. I am a bit embarrassed to say this but here are some of the things I've believed at some point
-That everyone can read my mind, but doesn't let on about it
-When it's dark out strange entities, that aren't really ghosts or aliens, watch me
-Severed eyes are watching me from my peripheral vision
-That I will not ever die if I believe that I won't
I experience strange sensations of feeling like I don't really belong on this planet, the pointlessness of getting caught up in human society. The pointlessness of my work. I feel that there is more to life than what most people do today.
Stress is also a problem because I react so unpredictably. At first I try to laugh off tough situations... which works to a point. If things become really bad I can have violent thoughts and strange lightning fast mood swings.
I think that all of these issues stem from the fact (or is it a fact) that I must have this stuff called money to live.
So for a long time I have had the idea of buying a farm and living there alone and growing most of my own food and generally doing what I want. And I have been actually trying to do this now for the last 2 months... going to banks and checking out farmland. But it is complicated to get loans for agricultural land in Canada, so this has been really hard for me.
I am also faced with the realization that... even if I do get this land I am still going to need money to pay off the loan... and the payment will most likely be larger than what I can make farming. So I am going to have to go back to the same work that is causing me to slowly go more and more crazy. Only difference is now I can't take time off or the bank will repossess the land.
It feels good to write all this down...
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 b0b gnarley
Hold my beer and watch this!
Registered: 01/17/08
Posts: 3,074
Loc: The Bounds of Reality
Last seen: 4 months, 17 days
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Re: Just writing about how I feel right now [Re: adjust]
#8644397 - 07/16/08 08:18 PM (4 months, 17 days ago) |
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That's it. No more Shroomery for you.
Edited by WhiskeyClone (07/17/08 07:55 AM)
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bradley
Registered: 09/17/06
Posts: 2,551
Last seen: 5 hours, 30 minutes
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Re: Just writing about how I feel right now [Re: adjust]
#8644538 - 07/16/08 08:58 PM (4 months, 17 days ago) |
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You sound a bit like me. I have major psychological issues with work. I am on a good career track right now, with a pretty good job, but I constantly dwell on the fact that a job consumes so many freedoms that I could explore.
I have been telling myself that I will make a good amount of money, and then just live frugally for a while whilst exploring hobbies and interests and learning about things. Or else create a custom graduate program of study that blends in seamlessly with my interests (not sure if that is possible though).
I actually completely freaked out about the whole situation about a month ago when work constantly pervaded my mind and I spent about 100% of my time in a worried state; that was fucking unpleasant. I am familiar with the more paranoid thoughts too - I got really sick once at my last job and was convinced (in my very fevered state) that the upper management was pushing the sickness onto me in a voodoo doll type style.
I have found doing a meditation on relaxation each morning has helped (I just concentrate on relaxing my breathing muscles in seiza position, like 20-30 minutes).
Fish oil can never hurt for a balanced state of mind.
You might want to try listening to some hypnosis recordings for anxiety too.
As for your plans for living on a farm, I don't think that will completely work either. My only advice is to blend the two extremes a little; don't get such stressful jobs if you can help it. There is probably a job out there that won't drive you nuts that you can tolerate a little longer. Maybe you can find a part-time job.
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SaulGood
Da Kine
Registered: 07/12/07
Posts: 252
Loc: Hawaii
Last seen: 4 hours, 2 minutes
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Re: Just writing about how I feel right now [Re: bradley]
#8644625 - 07/16/08 09:20 PM (4 months, 17 days ago) |
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I have a serious problem with high stress jobs as well. I have worked construction multiple times and left after only 2 or 3 months. every time, I get this sudden feeling of desperation, like 'i'm not doing anything with my life' and quit for no reason.
get a part time job, just enough hours to pay the bills. low stress is essential. I recommend something mundane that you can block out after the work day, such as gardening. and consult a therapist ASAP. best of luck man. 
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"I have a dream... the dream of a million beards stroking in unison."
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IF THE PC IS ROCKIN, DON'T COME A-KNOCKIN!!!!!
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