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Anonymous #1
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 How to break up with someone you love?
#8422808 - 05/20/08 12:43 AM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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Please lend me your ears and well, in this case, eyes.
It's not only someone I've fallen in love with, but someone I respect and care about. It's just, this person is somebody who I just know isn't the one for me.
Still, after living together for 3 years, you become particularly attatched.
We bicker and fight, we yell and scream(although I do the most yelling and screaming) pretty much everyday for a solid 2 years.
There is a decent age difference, but I'm not sure that's the problem. Or at least I know it's not the only problem.
I'm sick of the drama she brings to the table. I'm sick of fighting. My life at home with her actually effects how I feel and treat others during the other part of my day. I know this because once we had a break and I moved out for a month. For that month, I was actually waking up with a positive attitude, waking up before my alarm to make breakfast even. I felt alert, alive and great to be at work, concentrating on nothing but the people around me.
Being with her, I get more and more miserable to be going to work for some reason. It's like i just don't have any patience. I always feel lethargic, tired and zapped of any energy. I wasn't like that at all on our break(which was a year ago btw).
Through all the fighting and bickering everyday, we have some moments where I feel how grateful I am to be with her. These moments are few and far between though I might add.
She is SUCH a good person. I trust her with my life. Yet, more and more each day, I'm starting to think of her as a close friend rather than a lover. I'm finding I'm not at all sexually attracted to her. And all these thoughts make me feel guilty all the time.
Since shes much older than me, I also feel like I'm wasting her time. How can being with a guy you fight with everyday, who makes you feel like it's your fault all the time, when you fight(which is usually the case, but it stems from me not possibly loving her like a lover should maybe?) and who makes you basically beg for sex, be healthy? I don't think is, but even though I've said these things, it's very apparent that no matter what, I'm the world to her and I'm going to have to be the one to break it up.
I've brought that entire last paragraph up to her and I get, "well what are you saying? Your going to just end it and stop fighting for us? Your going to just leave me all alone?" This with other remakrs from the past make it very apparent that she will be close to suicide if I leave. And if she doesn't be stupid enough to take it that far, she'll at the very least be damaged goods, never trusting or giving her heart to another man.
This makes me very sad  She deserves so much better. She deserves these hollywood love stories that she pines over. I deserve better too. But I worry more about her than me.
I wish I could just keep plugging along, if it made her happy, but as much as she lies to herself otherwise, I know she's not. I don't even think she knows it, at least not conciously. I can't stand seeing the way her life is playing out with me. And visa versa.
Again, there are some rare moments where I realize why I have fallen in love with her in the first place. And like I also said, they are few and far between. Those moments should be reoccuring consistently in a healthy relationship.
It gets even more interesting and downright sad for me. More reasons for me to feel guilty.
I moved in with her. She's older and has her own house. In a nutshell, I feel like a bum who takes advantage of her. I don't mean to, but I think I do. I mean, I buy us all sorts of stuff all the time, and I pitch in money for rent and utilities when I can, buy groceries often, but I'm just not consistently helping like I should.
I feel like one of the reasons the "break-up" is so hard is because I'm so comfortable with the whole situation. I've gotten real used to this place. Not only that, but to her.
But if I was to break-up, say tomorrow, where do I go? It's like I have to plan way ahead for the break up by getting another place. Then when and if it happens, she'll be like "so where are you going to go then?" And when I tell her that I found a place, to her it'll be like I've planned it all along. It just makes me feel so guilty.
She lays on the guilt hard about the idea of us breaking up. And it breaks my heart. I don't want to see her unhappy.
And I hear the "well, as nice as it is to care about others, your actually only making it worse for both of you". I find it's so easy for people to just throw out those common sense sayings and advice, but to actually do it is much much harder.
We have so much time and history invested together. I mean yes, there are couples who have been married for decades who finally break it off and man, I can't even imagine how they do it.
I love this girl with all my heart, yet I don't love her enough to be with her for the rest of our lives. I know she could eventually be happier with someone else someday, if she let herself and I know I could to.
How do you break up with a girlfriend in this situation?
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 shroom_me
Registered: 10/06/06
Posts: 473
Loc: Usa
Last seen: 15 days, 20 hours
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Re: How to break up with someone you love? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8422832 - 05/20/08 12:55 AM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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well I can't tell you how to break up with her, mostly cause I was about a year ago on the other end of that conversation. I have one question though you said if you broke up with her she might kill herself? Does she have mental illness in her history? Even depression that made her go to the doctor? I know I have, shit I've been in the looney bin twice for 16 days each, roughly.
And I might say that when she left me I almost lost it completely, strangely I still feel like dying, but its not because of her, see I've felt like this before I met her, so. Anyways, sorry I'm the king of rambling. I wouldn't say not to break up with her. But I WOULD say to break it off slowly, maybe over the course of a few weeks. I think for me it would have been easier that way. Just a thought.
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Groomies
Ghost
Registered: 08/16/07
Posts: 687
Last seen: 3 hours, 46 minutes
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Re: How to break up with someone you love? [Re: shroom_me]
#8422880 - 05/20/08 01:11 AM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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best way is to annoy the shit out of her or piss her off till she breaks up with you. then you'll be drama free
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gethyn
STINK FINGER
Registered: 03/03/08
Posts: 709
Loc: first row at church
Last seen: 3 hours, 32 minutes
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Re: How to break up with someone you love? [Re: Groomies]
#8422900 - 05/20/08 01:20 AM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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WOW are you on here or not you've got your self so doubled over in guilt and over and over again it seems like if you had a stable place to put your foot you wouldn't even have written this thread it seems that you just need a place too go but you cant financially do that and that seems to be only your fault if thats what it is you are fucking lying to your self and taking advantage of her just cause your comfortable if you have a job you shouldn't have a prob am i RIGHT
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""The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
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gethyn
STINK FINGER
Registered: 03/03/08
Posts: 709
Loc: first row at church
Last seen: 3 hours, 32 minutes
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Re: How to break up with someone you love? [Re: gethyn]
#8422906 - 05/20/08 01:23 AM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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to bum is to bum and so on
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""The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
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gethyn
STINK FINGER
Registered: 03/03/08
Posts: 709
Loc: first row at church
Last seen: 3 hours, 32 minutes
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Re: How to break up with someone you love? [Re: gethyn]
#8422911 - 05/20/08 01:25 AM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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and to quote Groomie you might be drama free but you also wont be home free
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""The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
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WhiskeyClone
Not here
Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 13,826
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Ca...
Last seen: 12 hours, 21 minutes
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Re: How to break up with someone you love? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8423382 - 05/20/08 08:23 AM (6 months, 12 days ago) |
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Quote:
And I hear the "well, as nice as it is to care about others, your actually only making it worse for both of you". I find it's so easy for people to just throw out those common sense sayings and advice, but to actually do it is much much harder.
Yeah, it's easier to give advice than follow it.
But you know what you have to do.
I was in a similar situation, and I hesitated for months and months after I knew I needed to get out of the relationship. In hindsight it was the cruelest, most cowardly thing I've ever done. I would have to talk like I really expected us to have a future, and I knew we didn't. To make things worse, she was a single mother whose daughter adored me. I loved them both and I still do. But that's not enough.
One day we had a fight and I just said it: "I don't want to to this anymore." We were on a camping trip at the time, my car battery had died earlier, so we were stuck together for the rest of the day. It was the blackest, most gutwrenching day of my life, I'd never felt such guilt, I'd never felt so hated.
It was awful, but at the end of the day it was done, and by the time I was by myself I felt free, and proud that I had done the right thing. Of course it took a while to get into the swing of my own life... a breakup kind of preoccupies your thoughts for a while. Whenever it upset me I reminded myself I did what had to be done.
Roll up your sleeves and do it. You could avoid this forever. Some people probably do.
Quote:
But if I was to break-up, say tomorrow, where do I go? It's like I have to plan way ahead for the break up by getting another place. Then when and if it happens, she'll be like "so where are you going to go then?" And when I tell her that I found a place, to her it'll be like I've planned it all along. It just makes me feel so guilty.
I didn't live with my girlfriend, so I didn't have to deal with that. Do you have a friend you could stay with? If not, you could find a sublet or something but tell her you will stay with a friend. Don't let this be the sticking point.
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-oOo-
"My children," said an old man to his boys scared by a figure in the dark entry, "my children, you will never see any thing worse than yourselves." As in dreams, so in the scarcely less fluid events of the world, every man sees himself as colossal, without knowing that it is himself. The good, compared to the evil which he sees, is as his own good to his own evil.
~ R.W. Emerson, "Spiritual Laws"
-oOo-
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Ginseng1
Elegant Universe
Registered: 09/02/04
Posts: 2,238
Last seen: 10 hours, 30 minutes
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Re: How to break up with someone you love? [Re: WhiskeyClone]
#8423912 - 05/20/08 11:49 AM (6 months, 12 days ago) |
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Quote:
In a nutshell, I feel like a bum who takes advantage of her.
Well, I haven't had such an experience as yours so I can't give you any legitimate advice.
Tell her how much you love her, that you will always love and care about her, but that she deserves a better life than to be with you, because you know you're not meant for eachother.
Stay friends with her.
But get out of that situation ASAP. You're toying with her reality, man. It's always cowardly shit to do. Out of respect to her and her being, you have to do what's real, and that is to get out of there because you want to. You don't have kids or anything, so fuckin do it. I made a promise to myself never to let a girl feel that we have a future unless I think so myself. It's cheap.
Anyway, that's the best thing you can do. It will benefit both of you in the long run. Don't be so soft about it. Life is a growing experience, so in the end she will be stronger and smarter because of it, and approach a relationship a different way, the same goes for you.
Hope this helps.
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"The universe is honest, humanity is not." - A star
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 Veritas
Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 10,379
Loc: PNW
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Re: How to break up with someone you love? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8423924 - 05/20/08 11:57 AM (6 months, 12 days ago) |
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Take some time to fully imagine that you are in her position. Try to see all your disagreements from her POV, visualize what her days are like, attempt to see yourself through her eyes. Once you feel that you have a grasp on her experiences, simply treat her the way you would like to be treated in her position.
If you can relate to her based upon this standard, rather than attempting to avoid "facing the music" by managing her potential reaction, you will probably manage the break-up with some amount of grace.
You cannot control her reactions, you cannot make her feel OK about the relationship ending, nor can you avoid having your own reactions to her reactions. What you CAN do is center yourself in empathic understanding of her experience, while maintaining your own boundaries and understanding of your own experience.
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No man is free who is not master of himself.
~Epictetus.
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Anonymous #1
Unregistered
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Re: How to break up with someone you love? [Re: Veritas]
#8425272 - 05/20/08 06:37 PM (6 months, 12 days ago) |
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Thanks to you and the others(whiskey, ginseng, etc) for your take on it.
You are all very right.
It's just soo hard. I never want to put myself in this position again. Never.
To whiskey, no, I may have one friend I could stay with. I could crash on his couch for awhile he said. I feel bad doing that though, which sounds ridiculous because it isn't half as bad as what I'm doing right now, when I really think about it.
Just so very hard. That definetely must of been hard for you whiskey.
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mushbaby
Registered: 09/30/06
Posts: 2,043
Loc: on a hill
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Re: How to break up with someone you love? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8425891 - 05/20/08 08:36 PM (6 months, 12 days ago) |
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I have yet to figure out a way to break up with someone and not hurt their feelings. The fact is it's a rejection. And rejection hurts.
But if in your heart of hearts you know it's inevitable then just realize it will hurt her worse farther down the road than it will hurt her now.
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Maybe - and that's final.
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WhiskeyClone
Not here
Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 13,826
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Ca...
Last seen: 12 hours, 21 minutes
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Re: How to break up with someone you love? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8427813 - 05/21/08 08:13 AM (6 months, 11 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
To whiskey, no, I may have one friend I could stay with. I could crash on his couch for awhile he said. I feel bad doing that though, which sounds ridiculous because it isn't half as bad as what I'm doing right now, when I really think about it.
Just so very hard. That definetely must of been hard for you whiskey.
It was hard, but it was harder on her, because I was treating it like it was only my problem. I just had to get out and I was not as sensitive to her feelings as I should have been. When we had the argument, I used it as a foothold and just pushed and pushed until it was over. I felt utterly trapped, and my wellbeing was just more important to me.
But it was my staying with her too long that was truly unfair. Especially to her little girl. I'm just another guy who played father for a while and disappeared. Guilt is not a big part of my life these days, but when it appears, it is about this.
Listen to Veritas, her advice was much better than mine.
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-oOo-
"My children," said an old man to his boys scared by a figure in the dark entry, "my children, you will never see any thing worse than yourselves." As in dreams, so in the scarcely less fluid events of the world, every man sees himself as colossal, without knowing that it is himself. The good, compared to the evil which he sees, is as his own good to his own evil.
~ R.W. Emerson, "Spiritual Laws"
-oOo-
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Icelander
The Minstrel in the Gallery
Registered: 03/15/05
Posts: 23,817
Loc: underbelly
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Re: How to break up with someone you love? [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8428479 - 05/21/08 11:53 AM (6 months, 11 days ago) |
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How do you break up with a girlfriend in this situation?
There are two ways to take off a tape bandage.
You choose.
And I agree she would be better off without someone who yells and screams everyday. She should have done the dumping and long ago.
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What the thinker thinks, the prover proves. R.A.W.
I don't believe anything, but I have many suspicions. R.A.W.
“I contend we are both atheists, I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” ~Stephen Roberts
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Anonymous #1
Unregistered
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Re: How to break up with someone you love? [Re: Icelander]
#8430108 - 05/21/08 06:53 PM (6 months, 11 days ago) |
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Quote:
Icelander said:
How do you break up with a girlfriend in this situation?
There are two ways to take off a tape bandage.
You choose.
And I agree she would be better off without someone who yells and screams everyday. She should have done the dumping and long ago.
I guess you don't seem to understand the situation. We both scream and yell at each other when our bickering gets heated. Her first usually. We both always seem to be fighting for the last word, we'll keep getting louder and louder to interrupt until we reach top decibels. And mine is louder. I'll admit I do slightly a bit more yelling than her, but we are both agree that it comes from her starting petty arguments and drama in the first place.
She even agrees that things don't work because of her personality. I'm not the only one who has called her on it. She has lost a job with the government because of it "tone and defensiveness"
I should of been the one doing the dumping long ago.
But again, it's very hard. And in the end, it's only fair to her and me as well.
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