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 cottlestonpie
wanderer
Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 466
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 why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants?
#8417783 - 05/18/08 07:25 PM (6 months, 14 days ago) |
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I always become smitten with girls who get hit on all the time. I gain a proximty infatuation with these girls, and at first glance I think she is only attractive specificly to me and that not everyone sees her mind/body the way I do. Then I get to know her and eventually I find out that she way more desirable then I figured and I then get down for thinking I had a chance with this girl. I know that people will say that just because she seems out of my league doesnt mean she wouldnt go for me. Its not that I feel like I wouldnt have a chance it the fact that I wouldnt be able to handle all the competition.
But for example this chic started working at a resteraunt I worked at and I was immediatly head over heals crushing on her. We hit it off pretty good and became pretty close hanging out almost everyday for a few months. I had a few chances to make our friendship more romantic but never went in for that kiss and whatnot. But when we went to a bar or club she would get hit on constantly from steroid looking abercrombie spikey haired dudes. She would be pretty receptive to the mating rituals of the bar scene as well. Some dude got her number in minutes just walking by where as it took me like two months just to get her number, and I worked with her and saw her on a daily basis. Like I said I passed on a few chances to make it more serious but I never allowed myself to make that move becuase I knew that I would really fall for her, and in turn would turn into a jealous monster and make myself look like a insecure asshole and insulting her at the same time.
When looking for a potential girlfriend or someone I would like to just casually date I try and find a girl who is not on everyguys fucking radar. But it always ends up that these girls get hollared at by everybody.
I just want to find a girl who I can treat right who is attractive to me and who is attracted to me and only me, well at least during the tenure of our relationship. The only chic that actually show an intrest in me are fat chics, not that theres anything wrong with that but thats not what i'm attracted to.
Sorry for the long post, just venting a little bit.
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"If you will it there is no dream"
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 BoneMan
Shrimpin ain't easy
Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1,280
Loc: new new england
Last seen: 9 hours, 43 minutes
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: cottlestonpie]
#8417990 - 05/18/08 08:23 PM (6 months, 14 days ago) |
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Welcome to the competitive world of dating. Those steroid taking, gel haired abercrombie guys are definitely doing something right. Most of my friends started taking steroids, all dressing the same way and getting the same haircuts and they all have smoking hot girlfriends and they're never single for more than a couple weeks.
I've learned to just go for it, start a conversation with a girl I'm interested in and ask for her number when the right time comes up and then get the hell out of there. The usual response is "I'm seeing someone".
So in closing, the answer to all your problems is steroids.
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cottlestonpie
wanderer
Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 466
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: BoneMan]
#8418055 - 05/18/08 08:45 PM (6 months, 14 days ago) |
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lol,yeah maybe I should start juicing. It doesnt bother me that it takes a little longer for me to get a number or to have a girl become interested in me. Its more the jealousy aspect of it all. Once I get to the point when I know if I make a move she will go for it , I bail because I dont want to get into a relationship and then turn into the jealous boyfriend deal. SOme of its from getting fucked over hardcore by my last serious relationship. Part of its insecurity. I just want to fall for a girl that doesnt make me want to feel jealous. I know its not their fault. I want to date a girl thats under the radar but not an obese or toothless girl. I'll find one, just not today. end rant
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"If you will it there is no dream"
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Ginseng1
Elegant Universe
Registered: 09/02/04
Posts: 2,238
Last seen: 10 hours, 24 minutes
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: cottlestonpie]
#8418148 - 05/18/08 09:17 PM (6 months, 14 days ago) |
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As far as the jealousy thing goes, that is a mental hurdle that you will have to get over on your own. That aspect of your mentality in no shape or form should have any say in what girls you can get or what the competition will do.
What you need to do is pretend like the competition doesn't exist. It's an insecurity issue anyway, so I mean, if it bothers you it will only end up showing, and chicks don't dig that. And then you will end up attracting only the fat chicks, as you so eloquently put it. Why? Because you don't believe there is any competition with the fat chicks and there is no insecutiry. Now, take that mentality and slap it on the ol' hot chick. Shallow Hal styles. That's what makes the difference.
Now, what you need to do is act quick. You said you were working with this chick for months and all that, and "passed" on your chances. Well, there you go man. Whatever high percentage opportunities you had are over. At this point your chances continue to dwindle. A girl will be interested in you if you are interested in her. If you don't show any true interest, something that she can hold on to, then the next juice monkey to walk past her will give her that interest with intent that you didn't.
There are a shitload of good threads here on picking up chicks anyway.
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"The universe is honest, humanity is not." - A star
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
 
Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,110
Last seen: 1 month, 17 days
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: cottlestonpie]
#8419606 - 05/19/08 10:30 AM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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Sounds like your problem is not the girls you fall for, but your jealousy. Thankfully, that's something you have control over! I recommend working on breaking it down whenever you feel jealous just breathe through it and remind yourself you're being irrational and that it isn't a helpful emotion to dwell on.
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johnm214
Registered: 05/31/07
Posts: 7,022
Loc: Americas
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: NiamhNyx]
#8419662 - 05/19/08 10:55 AM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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Quote:
NiamhNyx said:
Sounds like your problem is not the girls you fall for, but your jealousy. Thankfully, that's something you have control over! I recommend working on breaking it down whenever you feel jealous just breathe through it and remind yourself you're being irrational and that it isn't a helpful emotion to dwell on.
Didn't he take this girl out and she was getting numbers from other guys? WTF?
THat shit ain't cool. I understand there may be no 'going steady' vibe yet, but that doesn't mean she should trawl for bar guys in front of you.
and... bay guys... yuck  (I worked at a bar for a while. Gets old fast)
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cottlestonpie
wanderer
Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 466
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: NiamhNyx]
#8420516 - 05/19/08 03:35 PM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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I admit that my jealousy does effect how I react to situations, and it is something I constantly work on, although its hard after you get cheated on hard core.
and yes on just about every occasion I took her out I would eventually feel like I was put in the passenger seat and I become a spectater to other guys "macking". The last time I took her out which was months ago, we go out to grabs some food and this dude we know sits down and after a few minutes I was not even part of the scenario and she got engrossed in convo. I got really irritasted and with out yelling or being a dick I took her home with out saying a damn word. Its not just with this girl but has happened with girls I go on dates and even girls I stike up a conversation with. I'll start talking to a girl and then some randon dude waltzes up and starts sweet talking and then any chance to evolve the relationship is gone, atleast in my mind. Most of the time oppurtunities to mingle with girls is in a competitive environment like a bar or party. And even if I dont meet these girls there eventually they want to end up there on a weekend or whatnot.
I'm working on approaching girls in more random scenarious outside of a bar scene. My problem amungst other things is that I need a venue change on where I meet women. I guess i'm just sick of getting passed up if I dont seem like the alpha male in the room.
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"If you will it there is no dream"
Edited by cottlestonpie (05/19/08 03:39 PM)
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cottlestonpie
wanderer
Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 466
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: cottlestonpie]
#8420569 - 05/19/08 03:46 PM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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I'm all about improve my physical and mental well being. Wearing nicer cloths and grooming my self in the appropriate ways. But I dont feel like conforming to this abercromber gel haired mind game playing douch that most girls fall for.
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"If you will it there is no dream"
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Grok
ElfspiceEnthusiast
Registered: 12/03/03
Posts: 873
Loc: Greener Pastures
Last seen: 4 days, 21 hours
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: cottlestonpie]
#8421570 - 05/19/08 08:01 PM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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Quote:
cottlestonpie said:
I'm all about improve my physical and mental well being. Wearing nicer cloths and grooming my self in the appropriate ways. But I dont feel like conforming to this abercromber gel haired mind game playing douch that most girls fall for.
Look man, if you want a girl you have to take initiative. Plain and simple. Otherwise someone else will while you're beating around the bush waiting for everything to magically work out just how you want it. Trust me, that rarely works. It's a competitive environment. Besides that, you've let your chances with this girl stagnate. You have to keep up some sort of sexual tension. You have to keep the leverage; girls don't want something they know they can easily have. Take a counter-intuitive approach.
Check out this guy's website - www.tuckermax.com
Now, this is exactly the kind of guy that you despise; egotistical, narcissistic, smooth talker, alpha male. But he hooks up with tons of smoking hot women. Why? How? Read it. He's a complete asshole but an expert on women.
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Reality: - (1) Where idealism goes to die.
- (2) "...a good place to visit, but not somewhere I wanna live!" - Uncle B
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." - Douglas Adams
"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful." - Seneca the Younger
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WhiskeyClone
Not here
Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 13,826
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Ca...
Last seen: 12 hours, 15 minutes
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: cottlestonpie]
#8421721 - 05/19/08 08:26 PM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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Quote:
I just want to find a girl who I can treat right who is attractive to me and who is attracted to me and only me
Well, what you are looking for does not exist. So forget it.
But that doesn't matter.
Know this: competition has nothing to do with it. If you are competing, it means you are worried that you are not good enough, and you have to put on the right "show" to win the attention of the woman. This kind of mating behavior is on the level of apes and birds. Let the steroid guys do their thing.
All you have to do is live the life you want to live. Be open. Be honest about your desires in life, make no apologies for who you are, don't worry about how you appear to others. When you do that, you will love life, and when you love life, the right girl will fall into your lap. You won't even have to attempt to get a woman's attention. And she will be interested in YOU, not in what you've said or how you look. Your value will be plain as day; it will shine through in how you carry yourself. Then it won't matter what abercrombie spikey-haired dudes say to her, they will not hold her interest.
And another thing; you will not be afraid to lose her, because you'll know that if she leaves you, it's someone else that is right for you. Not her.
Honestly, the most attractive people are people who truly like their lives. By FAR. Extraordinary people are extraordinary for this reason. They don't need any validation from anybody else. They are fairly rare, but you can be one if you make it your top priority. Identify what things you do to a) seek approval from others and b) avoid disapproval from others, and make sure nothing you do is for either of those reasons. Learn to let go of those impulses when they come up. That is freedom... make it your most important goal, and incredible things will happen. What could be more important than creating a life you genuinely love?
When you are scrambling to be whatever you have to be to get a certain girl's attention, you are not attractive on any level but a superficial one. They'll never know you, because you don't even know yourself. If they become interested in you it will not last.
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-oOo-
"My children," said an old man to his boys scared by a figure in the dark entry, "my children, you will never see any thing worse than yourselves." As in dreams, so in the scarcely less fluid events of the world, every man sees himself as colossal, without knowing that it is himself. The good, compared to the evil which he sees, is as his own good to his own evil.
~ R.W. Emerson, "Spiritual Laws"
-oOo-
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Lion
Registered: 09/20/05
Posts: 3,754
Loc: The Becoming Tree
Last seen: 14 hours, 30 minutes
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: WhiskeyClone]
#8421926 - 05/19/08 09:04 PM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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Thanks for the really insightful posting tonight, WC. 
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"No eyes, no ears, no nose, no tongue, no body, no mind, no color, no sound, no smell, no taste, no touch, no object of mind, no realm of eyes and so forth until no realm of mind consciousness; no ignorance and also no extinction of it; no old-age and death and also no extinction of them; no suffering, no origination, no stopping, no path, no cognition, also no attainment and no non-attainment." ~Heart Sutra
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Veritas
Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 10,379
Loc: PNW
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: Lion]
#8421939 - 05/19/08 09:06 PM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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I'll second that!  Especially this:
Quote:
What could be more important than creating a life you genuinely love?
It seems like an epidemic...everyone is chasing happiness, instead of working right where they are to create a life they truly enjoy, in which their unique abilities and values are expressed. Chasing a relationship is the same thing, as we have the illusion that someone else can make us happy.
This also means that someone can take that happiness away, and this forms the basis of jealousy. We see other people as a threat to our well-being, because they appear to be interested in our wonderful lover. What if we "lost" them? What if they "cheated"? What if they didn't love us anymore? When we believe that someone else has granted us well-being, we are extremely threatened by the potential loss of this gift.
IMO, the best relationship would occur when two people who love their lives become companions, lovers & true friends. They would cherish and appreciate each other, but be self-sufficient enough to let the relationship go if their paths diverged. They would also be mature and whole enough to give to one another without strings, and to sustain the harmony which is essential for a lasting partnership. 
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No man is free who is not master of himself.
~Epictetus.
Edited by Veritas (05/19/08 09:14 PM)
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,110
Last seen: 1 month, 17 days
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: WhiskeyClone]
#8422771 - 05/20/08 12:24 AM (6 months, 13 days ago) |
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Quote:
WhiskeyClone said:
Quote:
I just want to find a girl who I can treat right who is attractive to me and who is attracted to me and only me
Well, what you are looking for does not exist. So forget it.
But that doesn't matter.
Know this: competition has nothing to do with it. If you are competing, it means you are worried that you are not good enough, and you have to put on the right "show" to win the attention of the woman. This kind of mating behavior is on the level of apes and birds. Let the steroid guys do their thing.
All you have to do is live the life you want to live. Be open. Be honest about your desires in life, make no apologies for who you are, don't worry about how you appear to others. When you do that, you will love life, and when you love life, the right girl will fall into your lap. You won't even have to attempt to get a woman's attention. And she will be interested in YOU, not in what you've said or how you look. Your value will be plain as day; it will shine through in how you carry yourself. Then it won't matter what abercrombie spikey-haired dudes say to her, they will not hold her interest.
And another thing; you will not be afraid to lose her, because you'll know that if she leaves you, it's someone else that is right for you. Not her.
Honestly, the most attractive people are people who truly like their lives. By FAR. Extraordinary people are extraordinary for this reason. They don't need any validation from anybody else. They are fairly rare, but you can be one if you make it your top priority. Identify what things you do to a) seek approval from others and b) avoid disapproval from others, and make sure nothing you do is for either of those reasons. Learn to let go of those impulses when they come up. That is freedom... make it your most important goal, and incredible things will happen. What could be more important than creating a life you genuinely love?
When you are scrambling to be whatever you have to be to get a certain girl's attention, you are not attractive on any level but a superficial one. They'll never know you, because you don't even know yourself. If they become interested in you it will not last.
Fucking awesome post.
Funny thing, once I realized and began living this very insight I began attracting people I'd previously assumed to be way out of my league. Funny how that works. Loving yourself and not getting all worked up and paranoid about being liked actually causes people to like you. Who knew? 
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cottlestonpie
wanderer
Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 466
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: WhiskeyClone]
#8424342 - 05/20/08 02:39 PM (6 months, 12 days ago) |
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Yes very insightfull. Tahnk your for the reply. Without realizing it I have been makinging progress in Loving life. I will continue to make improvements for myself that make me saitfied with who I am. For a real long time I would wonder and worry about what I am doing and taking no initiative. Thanks you for your wise words of encouragement. Sometimes I forget that if you love yourself the rest of the world will love you as well. Thank you for the reminder.
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"If you will it there is no dream"
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WhiskeyClone
Not here
Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 13,826
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Ca...
Last seen: 12 hours, 15 minutes
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: cottlestonpie]
#8424594 - 05/20/08 03:56 PM (6 months, 12 days ago) |
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Quote:
cottlestonpie said:
Sometimes I forget that if you love yourself the rest of the world will love you as well.
Just deciding to love yourself will probably not make a difference. For me to love myself I had to change the way I conducted myself so that my actions matched my values, in spite of what fears stood in the way. I was really living out of sync; I suspect this is very common. I couldn't love myself because I was not myself. I didn't know who I was, and I'm still learning.
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-oOo-
"My children," said an old man to his boys scared by a figure in the dark entry, "my children, you will never see any thing worse than yourselves." As in dreams, so in the scarcely less fluid events of the world, every man sees himself as colossal, without knowing that it is himself. The good, compared to the evil which he sees, is as his own good to his own evil.
~ R.W. Emerson, "Spiritual Laws"
-oOo-
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NiamhNyx
I'm NOT a 'he'
Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 3,110
Last seen: 1 month, 17 days
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Re: why do I always fall for the girl that everybody wants? [Re: WhiskeyClone]
#8426358 - 05/20/08 10:22 PM (6 months, 12 days ago) |
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Choosing to love yourself, ime, leads naturally to making changes in your life that allow you to love yourself all the more because you're simultaneously being and becoming the kind of person you respect and wish to be. Loving oneself and living authentically is a sort of reinforcing feedback loop- more of one leads to more of the other and so on.
Most people can smell insecurity and desperation from mile away and tend to steer clear of it, so the surest way to find the kind of partner you want to have is to love yourself and be the kind of person you want to be.
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