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Anonymous #1
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 Guilt issues
#8366898 - 05/05/08 10:15 PM (6 months, 27 days ago) |
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After a recent breakup, I've come to some harsh realities about myself and my behavior. For the most part I'm in control but every once in a while the "social scene" gets to me, breaks me down, and I feel like a fool...an anybody. Since childhood, I've been the type of person to try to adhere to social norms and mores at the cost of my own morality.
At this point in my life I've come to feel as though I have often forged friendships with people out of an inner need not to be lonely. And I've forged interests in the opposite sex for the same reason. Frankly, I am very embarrassed by this behavior, and even more embarrassed to admit that although I have learned these lessons before, they are not always in action.
Very recently I have come into a clear mind. Although my falterings have been short lived I still deal with the guilt of the behaviors I am trying to conquer. How does one go about conquering guilt itself?
I look at my behaviors as objectively as possible. I reflect and believe I do know better, and although its great to learn a lesson, I feel the guilt will forever hold me back from being who I want to be. I am so ashamed of myself all the time that I find it difficult to move forward.
How do you conquer guilt?
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 MushmanTheManic
Registered: 04/21/05
Posts: 4,410
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Wait... what are you guilty of?
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Concerned Citizens United Against Drugs and Terrorism
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 koppie
chum of chance
Registered: 07/23/04
Posts: 1,054
Loc: cloud hidden
Last seen: 3 hours, 46 minutes
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Your life --warts and all-- is a unique work of art. Each choice you have made, each error in judgment is what makes you interesting. It's what makes your life important.
Without your flaws you are nothing. No need to feel guilty about them.
Imagine a movie where every character behaved perfectly honorably. It would be the most boring thing you ever saw.
PS. Don't just tell this anonymously to us. Tell it to a close friend. The best remedy for this is to have someone who's judgment you trust tell you to your face that your don't need to feel shame or guilt for your actions.
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the Bulldada Newsblog - All the news you need.
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deCypher
Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 6,511
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Quote:
Anonymous said: At this point in my life I've come to feel as though I have often forged friendships with people out of an inner need not to be lonely.
I wasn't aware that this is something to be ashamed of. People seek friends because without friends, they'd be lonely--whether or not they're consciously aware of this drive or not, it still exists. Now, if it gets to the point that your "friends" are people with whom you share no common interest, and only hang around with because there's no better alternative, then you might want to reconsider... but to feel guilty about seeking friends merely because you're lonely seems unusually idealistic.
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we are born naked, wet, hungry, and torn from the woman we love. then things get worse.  
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420inchrims
Ate Up
Registered: 04/13/08
Posts: 306
Last seen: 5 months, 14 days
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Re: Guilt issues [Re: deCypher]
#8367790 - 05/06/08 03:16 AM (6 months, 27 days ago) |
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you gotta fight guilt head on, or it will just stay there. or lots and lots of xanax, so your numb to every emotion.
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mickdawg666
wake up! youvegot sickle cell
Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 2,379
Loc: hb, cali
Last seen: 26 minutes, 56 seconds
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ive read more than a few self help books in my time. One of the messages that almost everyone of them tries to get across is that guilt is truly an erroneous emotion.
I still feel guilty at times, whether its about something ive done that I regret, or something ive done that has hurt other people. Something you have to keep telling yourself is that many of these guilty feelings you are experiencing are a result of the culture you live in. Guilt is used to mold behavior, and it sticks to us at an early age, so early that its hard to understand why we feel so guilty for shit when were older.
What you have to do is let it go. And as the tool song goes, 'I must keep reminding myself of this,' every time you re-experince a guilty emotion, remind yourself that you must let this go. The guilt will do you no good. It must be mentally transformed into more productive emotions, like learning from past behaviors (not coming down on yourself for), understanding that other people are responsible for their emotions, not yours, and self forgiveness.
guilt is useless. let it go. you must keep reminding yourself of this.
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Teh PYrAmId 0f zerg:
/ \
/ Pk's \
/Anti-Pks\
/ Cr@f73r5 \
/__NOOBIES__\
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "
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DimensionX
Registered: 09/26/07
Posts: 1,457
Last seen: 8 hours, 3 minutes
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If this is what you feel guilty about your a lucky person. From what you posted you don't seem to have done anything wrong, your just growing as a person, nobody's born knowing everything. Deserved guilt occurs when you have truly hurt someone who doesn't deserve it, and you have no one else to blame but yourself. I hope you never have to experience this, because some things you can't take back or make better. This is when you feel true guilt, and all you can do is to live with it and try and make sure you don't screw up again.
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Pilfering through that sordid catalogue you call your mind
Edited by DimensionX (05/06/08 05:37 AM)
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Anonymous #1
Unregistered
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Quote:
DimensionX said:
Deserved guilt occurs when you have truly hurt someone who doesn't deserve it, and you have no one else to blame but yourself. I hope you never have to experience this, because some things you can't take back or make better. This is when you feel true guilt, and all you can do is to live with it and try and make sure you don't screw up again.
This is the problem. As of recently, I have a hard time distinguishing when I am at fault and have done something to someone who doesn't deserve it. That fine line of fault, and right and wrong is very difficult. I usually default to taking all the blame.
Even anonymously I am nervous about writing about my past, so I will brief what I mean. I've done some downright jerky things in my past (mostly during those angst ridden puberty years) that I know I should feel guilty of, and although I don't repeat them, I regret the pain in those peoples lives I have caused. Now because at the time I was behaving this way, I felt no remorse, I believe I had an underdeveloped sense of morality. As I've grown older, morality has begun to play a central role in my life, and I wonder if perhaps my guilt over mundane things are justified because morality is central in my life, or whether I am being overly harsh on myself as penalty for my past.
As for friends, one of the prime causes in my "morality lapse" was my desire to be like by people above all (even if I acted like a complete fool in doing so). I am nervous of my relationships now because I still catch myself acting like a fool at times, and forgetting my lesson. And I wonder if forging relationships with people who live lifestyles I don't see much value in (clubbing, chasing after boys) is untrue, and unfair to them. Also, I am concerned that by continuing these relationships, not only am I am setting myself up for "relapses" in morality, but in a sense I am almost condoning it by not saying how I really feel about it. Is my sense of morality (for lack of better words) hyperactive and debilitating or is it normal to be constantly questioning and analyzing things like this at such a highly transitional state in my life?
Also, I have spoken with friends about this, and although I didn't share my past issues, with them, they said I take to much to heart, and if my past is really that bad YES I should feel guilty. It kind of got me nowhere.
Sorry if this is really scattered brained, and its like reading a puzzle, I feel really confident that there is a common thread to all topics I discussed. Thank you for reading this, even if it did kill a few of your brain cells 
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Anonymous #1
Unregistered
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I just realized how self righteous that post about my friends says.
Don't get me wrong. I like the people I am friends with, although we are pretty different I think they have a lot of great traits. But their primary desires at this moment in their life are not my interest, and I am nervous for my sense of self. And I feel guilty as though I am being untrue to them, for this worry in my relationship with them.
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boxcarguy07
Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 2,040
Last seen: 12 minutes, 15 seconds
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
I just realized how self righteous that post about my friends says.
Don't get me wrong. I like the people I am friends with, although we are pretty different I think they have a lot of great traits. But their primary desires at this moment in their life are not my interest, and I am nervous for my sense of self. And I feel guilty as though I am being untrue to them, for this worry in my relationship with them.
Do you lie to them? Do you engage in those activities that you disagree with?
If not, I see no reason to feel bad about this.
It is awesome to be friends with all different sorts of people.
Now, if you think that you are not strong enough to not get pulled into these activities that you do not wish to be a part of, then that is when you should consider hanging around a different crowd.
But just because someone likes to go clubbing or something like that and you don't doesn't mean you shouldn't be friends with them. You may even have a positive influence on them in the long run. Just be sure that's not your motive in being friends.
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"Sit in reverie and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind."
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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WhiskeyClone
Not here
Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 13,826
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Ca...
Last seen: 12 hours, 21 minutes
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
As I've grown older, morality has begun to play a central role in my life, and I wonder if perhaps my guilt over mundane things are justified because morality is central in my life, or whether I am being overly harsh on myself as penalty for my past.
Guilt is never useful. Don't waste a moment of your life on it. Whatever pain you have caused people, they have already felt. Too bad for them, I guess they'll have to get over it. Poor babies. 
Chronic guilt is a self-esteem issue. It isn't about the people you've hurt, it's about you. You've done things you regret, and as a result you fear you are somehow morally inadequate or out of control.
From the length of your posts I would guess you think too much. Guilt is just a thought. Like all thoughts, it is triggered haphazardly by some external event, then it triggers other dormant thoughts in your head and, if unchecked, snowballs until you feel rotten. You can learn to identify this snowball effect as it begins, and just dismiss it as another habitual thought. "Oops there I go again on that guilt thing," and return your attention to whatever you're doing.
Next time you feel guilt, say to yourself "Ok, what's done is done, so what can I do right now, at this moment, to make this right?"
Usually there is no practical answer, and therefore the best thing you can do is just relax, understand you're only human, and that others can take care of themselves, even if you have been inconsiderate in the past. It is no big deal, just don't let your mind run away with it. What you've done in the past is not just irrelevant to right now, but it does not exist except as a thought in your head. Why spoil right now with your pointless, self-important thoughts about the past?
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-oOo-
"My children," said an old man to his boys scared by a figure in the dark entry, "my children, you will never see any thing worse than yourselves." As in dreams, so in the scarcely less fluid events of the world, every man sees himself as colossal, without knowing that it is himself. The good, compared to the evil which he sees, is as his own good to his own evil.
~ R.W. Emerson, "Spiritual Laws"
-oOo-
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JoseLibrado
return
Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 569
Last seen: 4 months, 4 days
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Guilt is an emotion that arises when we attack ourselves emotional, suppress our inner child and joy, overall the freedom to explore.
Its an emotion that is the outcome of a major belief about our nature - That we are the cause of outcomes, that we are responsible whole 100% heartedly for our actions.
Overcoming guilt then is futile and impossible - if you cannot bring forth the belief that morphs your common understanding about your nature, then you will always feel both guilt and pride.
The only way to trasncend guilt is to notice that it doesnt make sense to attack something that has nothing to do with the problem and attack the actual things which lead to the suffering.
Ie. When you experience something negative arising from your intentions - it is because of a lack of knowledge within the intent itself that has outsourced the negative things - however, because we have been taught that we are wholy the cause of what we know, think, feel and act, we feel this guilt, we and eventaully out of habit, attack ourselves emotionally and we experience guilt.
So when you experience guilt, literally focus on the thought that would have your mind, naturally stop the mechanism which allows you to attack your emotional joyful self. Ie. Instead of saying - well we all make mistakes so, i dont need to feel guilty and then seeing how it doesnt really work that well if at all...focus on WHY, as in what makes you human...the rest flows naturally.
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The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution.
And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change.
Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems.
Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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