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 fawhit
Mad as you
 
Registered: 05/15/08
Posts: 329
Loc: Great White North
Last seen: 2 days, 6 hours
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 Huge metal distress from vanity.
#8602807 - 07/07/08 12:28 AM (4 months, 27 days ago) |
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This feeling I get increases ten fold when my marijuana highs subsides or during them. I have many insecurities which even when I'm sober have the potential to trouble me very deeply and plow me down into the pits of depression. Well right now I am coming off a high and I just can't help noticing how ugly I am. I am incredibly vain, I look into the mirror constantly to see if I have improved or still am ugly. I can't believe this has to have happened to me, I am good person and I work towards improving myself all the time so why do I deserve this? When I got high this time I went to the washroom and looked into the mirror for at least 20 mins. I just looked an analyzed myself. Why am I so far away from this image of perfection? Why can't I be normal and have a normal life?
My insecurities have a big hold on my life... they keep me from doing so many things I want to do. I can't talk to girls... I can't go out and socialize... I can't get a job.. I have so much fear of the public and other people. I sit here in front of my lap top crying for help out of this situation! This thing that gets me most is that I am not even sure if I'm ugly. People like my mom and her friends say I'm handsome but can I beleive them? When I'm high I feel like I know the all the truths in the world I feel like I can see through all the lies in the world and when I think about it I see that people around me are just being nice and I am a huge outsider in this world.
Could this be possible? Could the people around me be pretending? Are they just being nice. I think my post is kind of disjointed... I really hope it makes sense but I won't be able to know this is how I am thinking right now. I just needed to get this feeling off my chest I need to share with the some people how I'm feeling. Can anyone help me out here? My mind is feeling really depressed right now.
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MHbound
Ballin Out At All Cost
Registered: 09/24/07
Posts: 4,197
Loc: Under The Rainbow
Last seen: 5 hours, 23 minutes
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Re: Huge metal distress from vanity. [Re: fawhit]
#8602829 - 07/07/08 12:35 AM (4 months, 27 days ago) |
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I wish I could help bud, but I am kind of opposite of what you are saying. Not in the sense that I'm handsome I don't go out on many dates...Actually haven't been on one in like 3 years, but I just don't care if I'm ugly(don't know if I am just don't care). I care about my appearance for work etc., but I don't care enough to go out of my way to impress someone else. I want the people around me to like me for who I am. One day you WILL find that girl who sees right past anything you may see as an imperfection, and make you feel secure in your own skin.
You may not want to smoke pot for awhile. I had this problem in a sense. I would get high, and have a serious anxiety attack borderline panic attack. I had to lay off. You need to learn to deal with life without pot(or any other drug), and then incorporate those drugs in when you feel secure. You may find these drugs are doing more harm than good. Possibly seeing a psychologist or a psychiatrist will be of some help for you. It would give you someone to talk to when you are feeling down. A psychiatrist isn't going to talk to you though...They are just going to throw meds at you. Finding a psychologist that works side-by-side with a psychiatrist is a good idea. The psychologist will decide if you will benefit from medication or if you just need to talk. Just some thoughts.
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fawhit
Mad as you
Registered: 05/15/08
Posts: 329
Loc: Great White North
Last seen: 2 days, 6 hours
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Re: Huge metal distress from vanity. [Re: MHbound]
#8602844 - 07/07/08 12:43 AM (4 months, 27 days ago) |
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Quote:
MHbound said:
I wish I could help bud, but I am kind of opposite of what you are saying. Not in the sense that I'm handsome I don't go out on many dates...Actually haven't been on one in like 3 years, but I just don't care if I'm ugly(don't know if I am just don't care). I care about my appearance for work etc., but I don't care enough to go out of my way to impress someone else. I want the people around me to like me for who I am. One day you WILL find that girl who sees right past anything you may see as an imperfection, and make you feel secure in your own skin.
You may not want to smoke pot for awhile. I had this problem in a sense. I would get high, and have a serious anxiety attack borderline panic attack. I had to lay off. You need to learn to deal with life without pot(or any other drug), and then incorporate those drugs in when you feel secure. You may find these drugs are doing more harm than good. Possibly seeing a psychologist or a psychiatrist will be of some help for you. It would give you someone to talk to when you are feeling down. A psychiatrist isn't going to talk to you though...They are just going to throw meds at you. Finding a psychologist that works side-by-side with a psychiatrist is a good idea. The psychologist will decide if you will benefit from medication or if you just need to talk. Just some thoughts.
I have so many insecurities man, I would never be able to goto a psychologist. I build my self up to the people around me, in my mind it has felt like I have built this image to them of myself that isn't me. This make it really hard for me to go see someone like a psychologists. It's funny, only when I'm high can I analyze myself so deeply, when I'm sober I am falling for the illusion I am building.My mom probably thinks I'm a smart guy, I could never tell her I need mental help it would be like such a traumatic experience for me. I have this huge fear of things like this. I fear that people will see me for how I truly am. Omg I can't believe I'm even talking like this. It feels like I am breaking free from the image of myself that I built and I am talking to the world in my true form.
I bet this stuff sounds pretty crazy but right now I am thinking on such a level that I have no familiarity with. This is a very odd experience. A week from now if I don't smoke my thinking process will probably be normal again and I will read this and go wtf!?
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MHbound
Ballin Out At All Cost
Registered: 09/24/07
Posts: 4,197
Loc: Under The Rainbow
Last seen: 5 hours, 23 minutes
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Re: Huge metal distress from vanity. [Re: fawhit]
#8602862 - 07/07/08 12:51 AM (4 months, 27 days ago) |
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Dude let it out. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I lived THREE lives at once...Literally.
I had this image that my family had of me(real laid back, violent at the most random times, and didn't care about anyone)...
The image my girlfriend, her friends, and her family had of me(the star baseball player, had good grades, didn't do anything wrong, and treated their daughter great)...
Then I had the image I hid from everyone except for some close friends(the drug dealing, pot smoking, pill popping, cocaine sniffing, alcoholic)...
I finally broke down. You can't handle it much longer, and you will lose it. You don't want it to end like that. C'mon psychologists are COMPLETELY anonymous its illegal for them tell anyone anything...Unless you intend to hurt someone or yourself. Find someone you can talk with. Fuck if talking on here works then bring it. Since you are so self conscience...The thing that worked for me was when I realized I was ACTING, and not being myself around people I would try to change it. Finally I found myself. It took more than....3-4 years, and am still working on it. I'm even open about how I feel about the war on drugs and so forth. You are only as sick as your secrets.
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fawhit
Mad as you
Registered: 05/15/08
Posts: 329
Loc: Great White North
Last seen: 2 days, 6 hours
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Re: Huge metal distress from vanity. [Re: MHbound]
#8602889 - 07/07/08 01:02 AM (4 months, 27 days ago) |
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Quote:
MHbound said:
Dude let it out. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I lived THREE lives at once...Literally.
I had this image that my family had of me(real laid back, violent at the most random times, and didn't care about anyone)...
The image my girlfriend, her friends, and her family had of me(the star baseball player, had good grades, didn't do anything wrong, and treated their daughter great)...
Then I had the image I hid from everyone except for some close friends(the drug dealing, pot smoking, pill popping, cocaine sniffing, alcoholic)...
I finally broke down. You can't handle it much longer, and you will lose it. You don't want it to end like that. C'mon psychologists are COMPLETELY anonymous its illegal for them tell anyone anything...Unless you intend to hurt someone or yourself. Find someone you can talk with. Fuck if talking on here works then bring it. Since you are so self conscience...The thing that worked for me was when I realized I was ACTING, and not being myself around people I would try to change it. Finally I found myself. It took more than....3-4 years, and am still working on it. I'm even open about how I feel about the war on drugs and so forth. You are only as sick as your secrets.
You are so insightful, a lot of the stuff you say makes sense with my situation. It's these secrets... they are like devils. I have so many secrets... too many lives... it is killing me mentally. But I can only recognize it now... not when I'm sober.
This anxiety is killing me, I have so many different anxieties that it's like torture to me. I have anxiety about people seeing my body and all of its flaws, I have anxiety about not being able to socialize with women, I have anxiety that I will not have the normal life with a wife and children, I have anxiety about being worthless not having a job, not going to school, not going out on dates. All of this anxiety is connected too, its all cause and effect. The reason I don't have a job and go on dates is because I have anxiety about my looks.
This is so depressing, I feel like my anxieties are trapping me into a corner and I can't come out no matter what I do.
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MHbound
Ballin Out At All Cost
Registered: 09/24/07
Posts: 4,197
Loc: Under The Rainbow
Last seen: 5 hours, 23 minutes
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Re: Huge metal distress from vanity. [Re: fawhit]
#8602918 - 07/07/08 01:18 AM (4 months, 27 days ago) |
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Anxiety can be paralyzing, and often can be the underlying issue of something else, depression for one. You think oh depression would cause me to be all lazy, and not want to move, not true. Depression can cause racing thoughts, and can also cause anxiety.
A psychologist is a good guy to goto because you can start to tell those secrets, and are also a good person to start building a new life on. They essentially act as your building block that can help you along the way. If you are anything like I was, and in a sense still am then your mental health is suffering right now.
Serious anxiety/depression can cause permanent brain damage. While I was hesitant to say that so you wouldn't worry about it I hope it will give you some motivation to get this stuff handled. It can also be the underlying issue of some other mental illness. You may be 100% healthy mentally, but your body will suffer due to this. Whether it be from not eating right, or from over eating.
I'm VERY careful when I meet someone new. I have some friends that I have known for 20 something years, and they don't know me. I hide right in front of them. So to talk with a psychologist as you can imagine was hard, but he gained my trust and I felt like I could tell him anything. It took a few visits, and I ended up being sent to a psychiatrist to get on some medication first to help me relax, but he got it to work. Once you make one change in your life the changes you make thereafter are so much easier. The first one is like a life changing break through. You'll be like...Holy shit, and then you'll realize how easy it can be. Let me rephrase that...This shit isn't easy, but you HAVE to do it. If you don't do this your life will not be as fulfilling as you want.
These illnesses don't want you to be happy they want you to suffer. Eventually you grow out of them, but they know if they get you in your younger years then you won't be happy when you get older.
Sorry for the long ass posts. I get carried away.
Edit: I'm not a doctor I can't diagnose you, but I feel comfortable in saying seeing a psychologist that works side-by-side with a psychiatrist isn't a bad idea.
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Edited by MHbound (07/07/08 01:21 AM)
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 two_rivers
mmm..
Registered: 02/03/07
Posts: 327
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Re: Huge metal distress from vanity. [Re: MHbound]
#8602998 - 07/07/08 02:21 AM (4 months, 27 days ago) |
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during a trip about a year ago, i looked in the mirror and came to the realization that i had become ugly. a hereditary skin condition surfaced and caused my skin to always look red as if i had a mild sunburn and the pores on my face increased in size.. especially on my nose, and i'm really hairy to boot.. my facial hair connects to my chest hair.
it was very traumatizing.. realizing it all at once like that while tripping. somehow i overlooked it all until that moment.
i was a wreck for a time and like you i didn't want to go outside, talk to people, see friends, or anything and when i did i was so ashamed of my appearance that i couldn't even come close to expressing myself in the way i truly wanted to. not only had i become monstrous in appearance, but i had become a monster on the inside as well.. the despair consumed me.
it's not easy being ugly in these increasingly shallow and superficial times... i joke that being ugly in today's world is what it must have been like to be black in the south in the early 1800s.
my advice; don't bother with going to see a doctor. you don't need them, really. this could be the start of an amazing journey for you.. as it very much was for me. the suffering i endured gave way to much love and wisdom.
you must first learn to get over yourself. it might sound strange, but you are very ego oriented. while at one pole you have the sort of people who think much too highly of themselves "i'm so hot, all the ladies want me", at the other end of it, the other pole, are the type of people who say, "why me, poor me" etc. it's opposing poles of the same disorder. the ego taking center stage.
like somebody else said, i'd take it easy on the pot... it can cause you to be over-analytical in a way that is counter productive.
when i needed guidance, i sought answers from the books and speeches by people like ram dass and alan watts. you might find them interesting if you haven't heard of them already. you can check out some of their stuff on youtube.
lastly, the idea that you have an illness that needs to be "battled" is nonsense. don't waste your energy on that silliness. try to see your suffering as an opportunity, as a lesson to be learned. it's perhaps the greatest lesson of all, that beauty is internal. it's what's inside these shells of ours, our souls! that is the beauty of being alive. appearances will whither away.. but your soul is eternal. let your soul express itself the way it yearns to.
you have fallen low.. but i'm telling you in time, if you let it, it will only increase your ability to fly higher than ever before. you'll come out the other end a much better man. i know it! 
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MHbound
Ballin Out At All Cost
Registered: 09/24/07
Posts: 4,197
Loc: Under The Rainbow
Last seen: 5 hours, 23 minutes
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Re: Huge metal distress from vanity. [Re: two_rivers]
#8603028 - 07/07/08 02:54 AM (4 months, 27 days ago) |
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Good post 
The only thing(this is all my opinion) that I would say is to not throw out the fact that something could be wrong mentally. Some people need the little push from medical help. I had anxiety attacks, and panic attacks I was in no shape to be able to help myself...I needed the assistance of the medication. If its not that serious you would definitely come out a stronger person going through it without it, but it may be too serious for you to do so.
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fawhit
Mad as you
Registered: 05/15/08
Posts: 329
Loc: Great White North
Last seen: 2 days, 6 hours
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Re: Huge metal distress from vanity. [Re: MHbound]
#8604081 - 07/07/08 12:44 PM (4 months, 26 days ago) |
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Thank you for the advice guys. I really don't know what to say anymore that I'm sober, I feel like I can't even talk the way I did in my previous posts. Last night I had been able to really take your advice to heart. But for some reason I can't even relate to it now. I think I'm gona stop smoking pot, stop looking in the mirror so much, and start working, and getting a driver license. I remember that while I was going to school and studying endless hours for exams that I wasn't even close to this depressed.
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MHbound
Ballin Out At All Cost
Registered: 09/24/07
Posts: 4,197
Loc: Under The Rainbow
Last seen: 5 hours, 23 minutes
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Re: Huge metal distress from vanity. [Re: fawhit]
#8604198 - 07/07/08 01:27 PM (4 months, 26 days ago) |
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Yea, studying kept you occupied, and thats exactly what you need. What you said sounded like me to a "T". I would get drunk/high, and spill my guts to the world and be like uhhhhhhhh...Don't know what I was talking about last night. You don't know what to say anymore, but try it when you aren't high. Once you can do that you are one step closer to a new life. Good luck man.
Hang in there.
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WhiskeyClone
Not here
Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 13,826
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Ca...
Last seen: 12 hours, 21 minutes
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Re: Huge metal distress from vanity. [Re: fawhit]
#8604279 - 07/07/08 01:58 PM (4 months, 26 days ago) |
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Sounds like crap self-esteem.
My advice, FWIW:
Give the pot a rest. My self-esteem wasn't able to improve until I stopped. It tends to make the mind overactive, and the user underactive. It definitely is NOT helping you see everything more clearly.
Examine your reactions to other people. Do you have much disdain or resentment for others? I find if I don't resent others, I don't resent myself. Things I hate about other people are just things I hate about myself, or things I fear I will become.
Get busy. If you don't have a job, get one! Unemployment is brutal on the self-esteem. Spending your life idly makes for too much self-analysis and not enough pride. The best way to spend your time is doing things to make yourself healthier and more capable. Exercise, making art or music, improving a skill, honest hard work... these are things that make you feel good in a way that stays with you. If you invest your time in yourself like this, at the end of the day you will like what you see in the mirror.
As for the mirror habit, stop. Whenever you get the urge to do it, just acknowledge that it's just a bad habit, and do something else instead. Do pushups, scrub your floor, anything at all, just don't indulge that urge.
I sound like a broken record sometimes, but IMO there is nothing in the world more important that finding a way to get a hold of your thinking. It's so easy to think too much, and unchecked thoughts can create pure hell easily. Habitual thoughts don't just get in the way, they create entire worlds of suffering for people. They completely change reality. This is why people learn to meditate; it's not for loonies and hippies, it's very important personal work that can equip you to deal with life in a healthy way.
Be easy on yourself! You are ok. 
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-oOo-
"My children," said an old man to his boys scared by a figure in the dark entry, "my children, you will never see any thing worse than yourselves." As in dreams, so in the scarcely less fluid events of the world, every man sees himself as colossal, without knowing that it is himself. The good, compared to the evil which he sees, is as his own good to his own evil.
~ R.W. Emerson, "Spiritual Laws"
-oOo-
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MHbound
Ballin Out At All Cost
Registered: 09/24/07
Posts: 4,197
Loc: Under The Rainbow
Last seen: 5 hours, 23 minutes
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Re: Huge metal distress from vanity. [Re: WhiskeyClone]
#8604353 - 07/07/08 02:24 PM (4 months, 26 days ago) |
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Well put whiskey some good advice right there. Take hold of that fawhit, and follow it.
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