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Anonymous #1
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 Can't accept myself.
#8377269 - 05/08/08 12:10 PM (6 months, 24 days ago) |
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For the past two months I've been really depressed (way more, but I thought I was finally out of it for a long stretch), and after some soul searching I found that it stems from how I can't accept myself.
I most definitely have BDD (body dismorphic disorder) and it's really been rough. Looking at myself in the mirror countless times per day, thinking about how I look when I'm not, wondering what I could be doing wrong.... I can't stop measuring myself up to other girls no matter how illogical I know it is.
No matter what I MUST reach my goal. I don't care how bad the drugs and mirror checking are. If I don't make it, it'll never stop feeling not up to par. Some days I want to quit work so I don't have to be in public and people won't see me. I know I'm attractive, but I'm not the best I can be and having people see me like that bothers me. Now that I think about it, the days I look my best are my worst because I'll look at myself 10 times more then normal then make myself look bad somehow and completely go back into depression.
I've tried meditating, applying self style CBT, objectively looking at my problems but no matter what I CANNOT stay this way. I must meet my goal, and can never imagine myself being happy with where I am now. I don't even like my past self because she was "chubby and unhealthy" so I subconciously repress everything.
There are some days I do just fine, but then other days I want to hide in my room all day until my cheeks thin out, or the pouch on my stomach goes away, or my ass tightens up, or whatever else I can find.
I really am too poor to go to a therapist so that's not an option.
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 stefan
work in progress
Registered: 04/11/01
Posts: 7,826
Loc: The Netherlands
Last seen: 2 days, 2 hours
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Quote:
I really am too poor to go to a therapist so that's not an option.
get (health)insurance, then let insurance pay for a therapist
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my music (myspace) -->
psytrance. chillout.
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Anonymous #1
Unregistered
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 Re: Can't accept myself. [Re: stefan]
#8377388 - 05/08/08 12:37 PM (6 months, 24 days ago) |
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No. I don't want jobs looking at that for the rest of my life.
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 MOTH
Who, me?
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,415
Loc: Bridge of Flesh
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Two words: RAW FOODS.
Seriously, I had precisely the same misgivings and insecurity about my body until I started eating the best food available to me. You don't have to turn 100% raw overnight...but the more raw fruit and vegetables you eat, the better you WILL feel! And your body will show it. Excess pounds will start to melt off of you, if you keep it up, even if you stuff yourself full of RAW every single day and night.
Check out these forums:
http://goneraw.com/
http://www.rawfoodtalk.com/index.php
I'm not joking when I say that eating all RAW foods has saved my life (and my health, and happiness).
Self-acceptance is an ongoing process, but eating as many wonderful fresh foods as you can will help. It's not all eating apples and carrot sticks, either.   RAW is a way to eat to complete fulfillment without starving yourself, and helping you discover your "true body."
Good luck...and well wishes!
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Anonymous #1
Unregistered
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Re: Can't accept myself. [Re: MOTH]
#8377917 - 05/08/08 02:45 PM (6 months, 24 days ago) |
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I have no problems regarding diet and definitely won't go raw. Sorry.
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MOTH
Who, me?
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,415
Loc: Bridge of Flesh
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Well, don't be sorry.  It's not like I expected you to go raw; I was only sharing what worked for me. That's pretty much all I can do with any validity.
Sounds like you need to cultivate some self-love and realize that physical beauty and physical appearence is only skin deep. You are the most uniquely beautiful creature in the universe regardless of how you look, regardless of who else is in the room with you. How to believe this? Well, I personally use grounding in the physical realm to connect the dots. You've stated your diet is fine, you cannot do therapy, meditation doesn't work for you...do you exercise? Exercise (like yoga, and cardio) are also huge helpers.
Do you have a creative outlet of some type in your life?
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Edited by MOTH (05/08/08 02:55 PM)
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Anonymous #1
Unregistered
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Re: Can't accept myself. [Re: MOTH]
#8377969 - 05/08/08 03:01 PM (6 months, 24 days ago) |
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I exercise a lot. Cardio, lifting, cycling, and walking outdoors.
Beauty is only skin deep, but I can't accept that for some reason. I feel like can make myself not care about how I look until I see myself in the mirror, and if it's unacceptable my day will be ruined.
I really have no creative outlet. My singing and instrument playing is awful, my drawings suck, and my writing is pretty awful. All I do is wait to workout again when it comes to hobbies.
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Veritas
Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 10,379
Loc: PNW
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It sounds as though you've reached the point at which you understand that your emotional reactions and habitual thought patterns are running the show, yet feel helpless to effect change. Intellectually, you understand what is going on & realize that it is illogical and harmful to your mental well-being. Emotionally, you are still dancing to the tune of your BDD.
Here's a website which may offer more information and support than you can receive here:
http://www.bddcentral.com/
I hope that you can find a bit of peace, and reach the point of accepting your imperfect yet loveable self.
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No man is free who is not master of himself.
~Epictetus.
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Anonymous #6
Unregistered
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Wow... you sound like the female version of me.
I know how you feel. As much as I hate it, I can't seem to detatch myself from this obsession with how I look. It's fucking vain, and I actually pride myself with not judging people, being cool to everybody and always being very accepting of whoever one may be, but I can't seem to have the same attitude towards myself.
I don't even judge other peoples bodies, I only compare them to my own but very rarely do I think to myself like "wow I would not want to look like that". All humans are beautiful.
The thing is that I know I'm attractive. My friends tell me all the time making comments on how good I look, how I have the best body and all this shit. I'll catch people eyeing me now and then, and when I do get compliments on my appearance it is very flattering and everything. But the thing is that I rarely feel that way about myself if I'm not in the gym.
I workout all the time. I eat strict diets and basically follow a bodybuilding routine that focuses on what I eat and how I lift, instead of being healthy. I'm never satisfied with my size and proportions, it's not even that i'm disatisfied but I actualy think im too small at some times (muscle dismorphie... I compare myself to the pros). It is only after I workout and I'm pumped up am I ecstatic about how I look. I'll look at myself in the mirror for like 5 minutes and flex liek an idiot. I feel like a million bucks then bam.. the pump goes away and I feel like my proportions are never good enough. People sometimes suspect I do steroids and shit. But I don't. I just workout smart, because I spend hours researching how to sculpt your body.
For this, I am also happy that I have been able to get as far as I have and I am proud of them. But that is only at the gym I remind you. The rest of time I beat up myself about it. Not big enough, yet my BF is too high and so on. Sometiems
I workout like crazy, look in the mirror all the time and it's fuckin stupid. I feel like such a tool.
At the end of the day though, I am happy with myself. But the obsession leads to alot of disatisfaction. That's a problem. I don't want to be so obsessed where it eats up alot space in my head.
I heard something strange once, "...you know, like those people that look amazing but think they're ugly"...
Yup, it's a little bit of an issue. I know I have talents but I don't persue them nearly as much as I could with my working out. So I often feel like I have nothing going for me except my bodybuilding.
Twice people have said that I'm "only here for cosmetic reasons." What does that even mean?
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Anonymous #7
Unregistered
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never heard of BDD, and looking it up, it honestly doesn't sound like a real thing
I think it's detrimental to look up stuff like that
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Anonymous #1
Unregistered
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I read that link and can identify with a lot of it. Like maybe 80% or so. What frustrates me is that there wasn't a good cure laid out. They mentioned CBT but didn't put down a list of exercises or anything.
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Veritas
Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 10,379
Loc: PNW
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It's not a quick fix, as it becomes habituated over time. It may have a genetic component, and appears to be neurologically-related to OCD. I think it is more realistic to aim for increased freedom from the demands of the disorder than a "cure." 
From the site:
Quote:
Helpful Themes Approached In Therapy
1. Explaining in detail my views on why my appearance was shameful.
2. Where did my idea about physical beauty come from ? Who shared those ideas or gave me those ideas ?
3. Physical perfection, are humans perfect ? How important is physical appearance in life ?
4. Pleasing everybody, is that possible ?
5. Narcissism
6. What do other people think about? What's the average human being's thoughts at any time of day ? Are they directed towards me ?
7. Relationships with my father, mother, brother.
8. Plans for the future. Do I have realistic objectives in life ?
9. Communication anxieties. "I'm scared that people see that…"
10. Believing what people say about you.
If you absolutely cannot gain access to a good therapist, you could work through these themes on your own or with a trusted friend.
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No man is free who is not master of himself.
~Epictetus.
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Soularize
above the clouds
Registered: 02/11/05
Posts: 792
Loc: 4th dimension
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you two both sound like you have good evidence to believe that you really aren't awful looking...receiving flattering comments from others, etc.
you ought to appreciate what you have, seriously. you aren't perfect, nobody is. I've been in the same types of habitual patterns as you have mentioned, regarding my looks. my dad has told me i'm nuts, and my doctor more or less said the same...'it's in your head'...the term body dysmorphic disorder has been thrown at me a few times. however i dont believe it's in my head. sure you could find uglier folks than myself, but i'm no "looker" these days. the interesting variable here in my case, is that for years growing up i was always a reasonably good looking young guy. im still only 24 but tragic personal losses and intense stress just in the last couple years have taken an astonishing toll. I was a serious alcoholic for a while there and i attribute some of this physical degradation to that of course, but it's the stress, i think, that is the real killer.
pain and sadness can provide you with real compassion, a deeper understanding of life and people as well. it's kind of beautiful in this way. but i also think that it shows on a person's face, especially if sadness remains as the most dominant and consistent of your emotions, then of course it will show. our bodies tend to work in this way; what you feel like on the inside has a tendency to surface itself on the outside.
just be as happy as you can, even happier. even if you dont really feel too great on a given day, just say 'fuck it' and smile. people can be shallow, and life can and does sometimes feel like one big popularity contest, but just know that there is much more to your existence here than how many people tell you that you're hot or what fucking size your pants are. so workout, eat a good diet, do what ya gotta do, but try and let go a little bit from your SELF. let go of the ego that is constantly nagging you to feed and pamper it. our 'self' is only but a part of our consciousness and existence here. there is a whole wide world of infinite beauty outside of your physical body. so find something (or 10,000 things) out there that make life worth living and spend time there, not in a mirror.
that was a horrible rambling but i think you can at least find some nugget of worthwhileness to it.
peace...
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Smashing protons into white noise for strictly algorithmic purposes.
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shaggy101
in love with a8000 mile widewoman
Registered: 08/16/00
Posts: 1,766
Loc: ..still waiting for godot
Last seen: 4 months, 17 days
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hey Anon,
I think Soularize gave some shaweet advice..
can I give you my feel
of you from yor words?
you seem sweet.
and beautiful.
and also fruitful.
although this is the first I have heard of BDD,
I know a few things about what you are talking about..ish..
I am very narcissistic
self obssesed..
err,
I more mean I just love my look.
always have,
but lately ive gotten
fat,old and bald.
ugh.
but you know what
Ive been getting the same
or more attention from the opposite sex,
(I think) because I dont so much look in the mirror,
instead when I get the instinct to,
I positively reflect.. inwardly if you will.
like.. afermations, kinda.
saying.." im cool, im sexy, and I rock, ..fuck how I look! "
this works,
period.
love and light girl!
wish I could be more help.
PM me anytime
whether I can really realate or not
I will still read and think and respond.
peace and shroomyness
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Anonymous #6
Unregistered
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Re: Can't accept myself. [Re: Soularize]
#8381313 - 05/09/08 10:49 AM (6 months, 23 days ago) |
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Quote:
Soularize said:
just be as happy as you can, even happier. even if you dont really feel too great on a given day, just say 'fuck it' and smile. people can be shallow, and life can and does sometimes feel like one big popularity contest, but just know that there is much more to your existence here than how many people tell you that you're hot or what fucking size your pants are. so workout, eat a good diet, do what ya gotta do, but try and let go a little bit from your SELF. let go of the ego that is constantly nagging you to feed and pamper it. our 'self' is only but a part of our consciousness and existence here. there is a whole wide world of infinite beauty outside of your physical body. so find something (or 10,000 things) out there that make life worth living and spend time there, not in a mirror.
Thanks for that. (This is the second person BTW)
I honestly tell myself everyday! I usually leave my house with a smile on my face on most days. I do the best I can not to care about this 'popularity contest' as you so eloquently put it. I usually do alright... and I am quite happy. I know there is so much more, this is what actually drives me. I continually bask in the wonder of this infinite beauty of the world.
The main problem is that as much as I love to explore everything that is non-physical, I remain obsessed with my physicality. And what my main goal is to be the 100% creator of what I am. If I can carve my body out of granite and have as interesting opinions on a whole bunch of shit as I do, that is the man I envision myself as. Somebody who is just the best at what he likes. Well, I guess this is the main reason as to why I remain obsessed. I wish it was more on the passion side of things but now it's become because sometimes I am really, really hard on myself.
None of this shit matters anyway, though. I think what I need is another powerful experience, something I haven't had in a long time. Last time I tripped on shrooms I knew I had an issue with BDD, because I even talked about it with some friends. Well, I was right back in the gym after that, perhaps even harder that before. I've been cruising in this fuckin state for a couple years now.
I guess I won't attempt at changing it because in truth I don't think I actually want to. 
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Anonymous #1
Unregistered
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Same here. I don't think it's even an option for me to stop working out to see if I could accept myself where I am now. There's no way.
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Chronic777
Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 3,525
Loc: Unmoving Core
Last seen: 1 day, 13 hours
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Learning to accept yourself is the best thing you will learn to do, you have to understand that true growth can only come from first acceptance & love, which come from within not from changing external circumstances, if you change something because you hate it it will bite you in the ass over & over.
Thats not growth, thats fighting with who you are which is an eternal struggle.
Just think about when you'll get old, your body will be wasting away & wrinkly, you have to find inner peace now!
One of the first things you need to find out for yourself is that a doubting mind is ALWAYS a doubting mind, you could be gorgeous yet when you look in the mirror you see a monster.
Thats why so many models keep getting thinner & thinner saying they're fat, because they're mental image of themselves will ALWAYS be fat.
Just remember you are a beautiful human being and nothing will ever change that, you are who you are, love yourself, accept yourself, & simply be happy that you are, these are the foundations for true growth. Be thankful for what you do have then work at what you desire.
Im sure the pressures on girls more so then men but i bet your gorgeous, its just the mind through which your looking is self destructive, there will always be something to change, to improve, when the mind is involved, just take a step back from the mind and see that you are beautiful, its only your mind that believes/sees otherwise, why?
Because mind is NEVER EVER EVER satisfied with what it gets.
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Know Thyself
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deCypher
Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 6,511
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Re: Can't accept myself. [Re: Chronic777]
#8381527 - 05/09/08 11:51 AM (6 months, 23 days ago) |
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Trouble with accepting yourself, aye? Whenever I've had issues I need to work over, or that I keep unhealthily obsessing about, I take a camping trip and do roughly 5 g's of mushrooms. It's chancy, but if you're willing to take the plunge, undergoing a psychedelic ego-death that FORCES you to accept yourself as who you are could provoke tremendous beneficial change.
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we are born naked, wet, hungry, and torn from the woman we love. then things get worse.  
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ChiefGreenLeaf
Cherriest of All Humans
Registered: 01/11/07
Posts: 743
Loc: Pineal Gland
Last seen: 7 days, 10 hours
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
I have no problems regarding diet and definitely won't go raw. Sorry.
This kind of attitude will get you nowhere. If you depend on processed, convinice foods then your not funtionining at your full potential. Its not just food either, it will involve almost all aspects of your life. Just realize that A) part of your feeling could be logical, you could be slightly flabby and naturally not be happy with it B) a highly industrialized lifestyle has caused execces anxiety and worry over issues that really aren't that big of a deal.
If your unhappy with your body then start exercising, eating organic, whole foods and eliminating toxins from your lifestyle. Trust me I know from experience. You have to use all those negative feelings as motivation to change. Also check out emotional freedom technique. There are tons of videos on youtube, just run a search.
If you're going to follow this advice then the internet will beome your best friend. Research healthy diets, lifestyles, etc. Most people who think they are naturally healthy are usually flat out wrong.
some websites to get you started:
mercola.com
paleodiet.com
bodyweightculture.com
I would reccomend a master cleanse to start things off. google it
best of luck
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ABSENCE OF EVIDNCE IS NOT EVIDENCE OF ABSENCE
A man said to the universe:
"Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"the fact has not created in me
a sense of obligation."
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Gomp
¡(Bound to·(o))be free!
Registered: 09/11/04
Posts: 9,285
Loc: I re·side [primarily] in ...
Last seen: 6 hours, 37 minutes
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Can not, or will not?
Mind the choice..
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