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Anonymous #1
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 i'm not lost, but severely disoriented
#8366142 - 05/05/08 07:12 PM (6 months, 27 days ago) |
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in the last two days, I have pinpointed myself on the map. prior to this, for the last two plus months, I have felt lost.
I have had a rough few years, but I slowly (or quickly) uncovered a great deal of joy and light in my life from last august through december, culminating in a period of ecstasy from the end of december up until the very beginning of march. during these few years, the most prevalent problem was that my thoughts/thought patterns, desires, and feelings/emotions would change daily, sometimes multiple times per day. all this changed in that aug.-dec. time frame.
I was exploring myself and a small portion of the world around me. I was on the road with some of my friends (a band) almost every weekend, and if I wasn't with them, I was at another show dancing my ass off, and more than likely eating/using copious amounts of psychedelics. I finally reached a point around new years where I knew where I was going, had laid the foundation, and was building it up.
during this time, I was happy, for the first time in a long time. I was happy by my own actions, not that of others. my joy and celebration of life came from within me. I was mostly sober, rarely indulging in any intoxicant. I was high on being alive.
then, one nite, this light that I had found was stripped from me, or at least a sizable enough piece was taken that everything else that happened shortly afterwards caused the structure I had been working on and succeeding in building fell apart.
I know bad things happen to everyone, and I'm not looking for sympathy, which is part of why I'm not going into detail about these things.
I have been in a funk since the beginning of march. I turned to alcohol for a month or so, and took a two week smoke out (stoned 24/7 for fifteen days), and again realize that these are not things I want or need.
today, I realized that I have again fallen into this pattern of my emotions and desires and thoughts rapidly changing. they seem to be happening even more rapidly than before; possibly because I'm not eating psychedelics and "hitting the reset button" every weekend, or more often, like I was a few years ago.
today I realized I am again not mentally/emotionally stable. I am also not sleeping well, nor have I been since everything I had invested my time in fell apart around me; oddly, during the dec.-feb. time period, I was sleeping very well at nite and without the aid of any chemicals.
I eat well and am physically active. I purchased a fifth of alcohol this morning because I hurt myself a couple of days ago and have been in pain, plus I have been needing to get up early, and alcohol puts me to sleep with no hangover; this will be the last bottle of liquor I purchase for a while.
I have few friends and like it that way. however, I have lost one friend due to some legal circumstances that occurred some weeks ago; and am on the verge of losing another, someone who is very special and important to me, and I to them, but the two of us need to grow apart for a little while.
I feel empty. I don't know how to regain that light I so recently held, or regain the stability in my mental state.
I currently have no passion. there are things I enjoy doing; some at points in my life I have been passionate about but not right now.
I know that whatever it is I have to do/end up doing to pull myself back up is not going to be an easy or quick fix, however, I can't even fathom right now what it is I need [to do]. I have seven months before I am free from this current responsibility (because I am so close to finishing, I refuse to stop my education now) and can again explore what is around me outside of this town and these people. I have taken steps to removing some of the negativity and indirect drama from my life; I am making efforts, but I don't know what else there is
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 JoseLibrado
return
Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 569
Last seen: 4 months, 4 days
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Re: i'm not lost, but severely disoriented [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8366739 - 05/05/08 09:35 PM (6 months, 27 days ago) |
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Google - WWOOF. Its an organization that connects you to farmers, organic farming. They allow you to stay with them for some work on their farm, they teach you to farm basically as well. I am currently at a place! Its amazing - you connect to the land so much better, alot of fresh air, repatative but meaningful labour(you help grow food for people and kids, healthy food that will not poison them as much as regular machine stuff)
Go for it, if even for a while - you can buy a greyhound ticket if you need to travel to the place - If you plan to take the greyhound - Buy the ticket two weeks ahead of time 50% off. Ie. A ticket from toronto to BC is only 240, there and back, with this method. Also bring a pillow on the bus and buy canned foods, they work well - you get to meet alot of people this way with so many loves!
Peace
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The mind is a creative tool. It searches to protect you, through message sensations(feelings). It is no different than a computer, you need to make sure its anti-virus program is in check and that it doesnt have a script that limits your experience, because of to much precaution.
And remember the computer does not appear to respond to words of anger and frustration - just give it input, in the form of new meanings that you know to be true and its messages to you and the limits it lays out for you, will change.
Guilt is an outcome of believing you are the cause of the problems.
Yet, we are not a cause to something, we see is negative or bad - Unless you believe your intentions are directed towards a bad outcome....
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danlennon3
living is easywith eyesclosed.....
Registered: 10/29/02
Posts: 8,191
Last seen: 9 hours, 6 minutes
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Re: I'm not lost, but severely disoriented [Re: JoseLibrado]
#8366788 - 05/05/08 09:49 PM (6 months, 27 days ago) |
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I am right there with you.I'm going through the most difficult period of my life. I suffered through depression on and off since I was a child. Things can and will change for the better. Stick in there. My best advice is to take small steps towards your goals. It is the only way to survive in a situation like this.
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"the shnozberries taste like shnozberries"
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Anonymous #1
Unregistered
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Re: i'm not lost, but severely disoriented [Re: JoseLibrado]
#8367830 - 05/06/08 03:59 AM (6 months, 27 days ago) |
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Quote:
JoseLibrado said:
Google - WWOOF. Its an organization that connects you to farmers, organic farming. They allow you to stay with them for some work on their farm, they teach you to farm basically as well. I am currently at a place! Its amazing - you connect to the land so much better, alot of fresh air, repatative but meaningful labour(you help grow food for people and kids, healthy food that will not poison them as much as regular machine stuff)
Go for it, if even for a while - you can buy a greyhound ticket if you need to travel to the place - If you plan to take the greyhound - Buy the ticket two weeks ahead of time 50% off. Ie. A ticket from toronto to BC is only 240, there and back, with this method. Also bring a pillow on the bus and buy canned foods, they work well - you get to meet alot of people this way with so many loves!
Peace
I can't right now, as I have one large responsibility to complete in december.
I have done wwoof before and will again in the spring. and while I have strong connections to the outdoors, even my plots aren't motivating me, as I have done very little on them in the last few days
danlennon: that's what i'm trying to do
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WhiskeyClone
Not here
Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 13,826
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Ca...
Last seen: 12 hours, 19 minutes
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Re: i'm not lost, but severely disoriented [Re: Anonymous #1]
#8368534 - 05/06/08 11:39 AM (6 months, 26 days ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
during this time, I was happy, for the first time in a long time. I was happy by my own actions, not that of others. my joy and celebration of life came from within me. I was mostly sober, rarely indulging in any intoxicant. I was high on being alive.
then, one nite, this light that I had found was stripped from me, or at least a sizable enough piece was taken that everything else that happened shortly afterwards caused the structure I had been working on and succeeding in building fell apart.
Sounds familiar.
That 'light', that 'building'... were never really there. They were a figment of your imagination that kept you in a good mood because you felt you knew where you were going.
The truth is, you don't know where you are going, and nobody else does either. It's not really the important question, and you can never have the answer, because you are always in the present. If you ever think you know what the future holds, you have tricked yourself.
So don't worry about 'the light.' It was a mirage. You haven't lost anything, you're just thinking differently than you were before.
Where you are is of the utmost importance, however. If you want stability, you need to ground yourself in the moment you are in, right now and always. Pay attention to what is happening, now, and don't take your thoughts seriously; they're a dime a dozen. The human mind is tirelessly shouting out impulsive, alarmist thoughts about absolutely everything. There's no reason to take orders from it.
Any kind of depression or funk is caused by being wrapped up in your thinking, nothing else. I don't know any way to remedy this other than to study mindfulness meditation. If you are not interested in learning this, then you can expect your state of well-being to rise and fall at the whim of circumstances. If you are interested, shoot me a PM.
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-oOo-
"My children," said an old man to his boys scared by a figure in the dark entry, "my children, you will never see any thing worse than yourselves." As in dreams, so in the scarcely less fluid events of the world, every man sees himself as colossal, without knowing that it is himself. The good, compared to the evil which he sees, is as his own good to his own evil.
~ R.W. Emerson, "Spiritual Laws"
-oOo-
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