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 MOTH
Who, me?
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,415
Loc: Bridge of Flesh
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 Welcome to Wits End
#5053792 - 12/12/05 05:56 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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I am posting this because I need help. I need to talk and know that someone is reading. I am so isolated inside right now. So low. I don't know how to reach out because it seems like it's all the same anyway...same old situation, same old problem, same old crap, same old me. I am so miserable. I don't know how to pull myself out of this one. Yesterday I learned that Lucy died, a grandmother of mine. I had made her a card and included a letter with pictures inside. But I had no money to buy stamps. I was going to get some yesterday but now I get an email from my mom telling me she's dead. So now I have this card with a handwritten letter inside and pictures, and Lucy's address on the envelope. But it'll never reach her.
That really bothers me. If only I had a bit of money saved up I could have sent it to her on time.
I am just at my wits end. There is nothing else but despair and sorrow where I am now. I've been crying nonstop since I woke up. I couldn't go into work because I had a terrible panic attack...I decided to try and quell it by taking sleeping pills. I took a few but my husband took away the rest. All I can think of is how I want to not be. All I can think of is causing irreparable harm to myself.
My husband has been so sweet. He's been trying to push meditation on me but I can't bring myself to care. As far as I'm concerned, in my mind, I already feel dead. Doing the physical act will just be a formality. These are just the only thoughts I have.
I'm just so low. It hurts so bad and I'm not sure what is wrong with me. I've been having problems going into work, each morning I get anxious and have panic attacks. I'm not sure why I feel so nervous about going into a job I like.  Each morning I wake up and think about killing myself to avoid going in.
There has to be something wrong with me, right?
It's just...I'm not sure what to do. I feel like there's all this pressure on me to do this job, but it causes me so much misery. I make $7 an hour and we barely have enough money to buy food each week. But the reason why I have stuck with it almost six months now is because I'll "be a groomer." I'll have finished something, FINALLY in my life.
The problem is that everything in me is repelling against this goal.
What is wrong with me? Why can't I just go into work ,work, and then come home like a normal human being? Why does everything have to be such a
BIG
FUCKING
DEAL?
I feel so trapped. And scared. Like I'm at the threshold.
I saw an owl tonight. Owls herald things.
it makes me wonder if I should make something happen.
Do you know...how horrible it is to KNOW **know** that there is no reason for you to feel like total shit and yet you do anyway??! All the fucking time??! Over and over again!? Every day...fantasizing about your own suicide?
And it's not like I don't have the resources to try and save myself...to bring myseolf out of this...I KNOW that all of this is my own fault. I know how to fix it. But I can't seem to bring myself to do these things. I feel like a victim of myself and it hurts...it especially hurts because I feel like nobody really understands where I am coming from. I feel all alone in this. "Medicate or meditate" is what I'll probably hear. See, I already know.
I am just soo low...I have considered checking myself in to a psych hospital to just have some time to pull myself together. Because I am all over the place...nothing is making sense, nobody cares for me I am alone and I live in a hellish world of false reality...that is how I feel, how I think right now. I've been inpatient at a hospital before in the past, as a teenager...I don't remember much of it (too drugged). I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid I won't be able to keep these suicidal urges under control for too much longer. I don't know where to turn now.
I don't know how to explain this to anyone, my husband or anyone. I am just so at the brink, nothing matters.
it's all my fault and I can't stop any of this...it's just "how I am?"
I may delete this later because I am embarressed by my irrational feelings.
I just don't know anymore...I don'tk now what to do. I just want to escape from it all. And I am jealous of Lucy.
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 MushroomTrip
Dr. Teasy Thighs
 
Registered: 12/02/05
Posts: 7,273
Loc: red panda village
Last seen: 17 hours, 50 minutes
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5053893 - 12/12/05 06:12 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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The solution is not the hospital and all that shit. I think everybody has gone at least once through what you going right now. All I can help you with is telling youu what I did when I felt helpless in the manner that I knew what I had to do but I jush couldn't. ANd I managed to get out of it. Within almost half an year, but I did it. I spent time, a LOT of time on my own, not really doing anything, not even being able to concentrate or think about what was bothering me, al I did was just stay alone as mich as could cause I couldn't really see anybody. Till one day I just got soooooo bored of not doing anything. But it was something that just happened. All you have is just a down moment in your life, that's all, I can guarantee you that. Spend as much time alone as you can, cry if you feel like crying, scream if feel like screaming. And it will just go away. I'm sure that in reality you are a really positive person, maybe that's why you are getting so alert about your state of mind. Just wait and go through every phase you have to go through, untill you'll rediscover you own positive self.
Then you'll feel back in force, stronger then ever.
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This party is old and uninviting
Participants all in black and white
You enter in fullblown technicolor
Nothing is the same after tonight 
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jonnywax
of the vomitsquad
Registered: 02/04/04
Posts: 7,156
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5053952 - 12/12/05 06:24 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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ellemy, I read all that, and I have to say, there is no reason for you to feel alone. I felt alone when I was going through almost those exact same feelings, feeling like a 'victim of myself' and fantasizing about never waking up when I went to bed.
I suggest, with all seriousness, that you try to quit smoking pot. See if you can make it till jan. 1st. I'll even quit with you.
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skunk78395 said:
The inernet has been around for years, go google it.
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MOTH
Who, me?
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,415
Loc: Bridge of Flesh
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: jonnywax]
#5053966 - 12/12/05 06:26 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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I quit yesterday. I quit for six days, toked for six days and now I'm back to square one again.
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dblaney
Human Being
Registered: 10/03/04
Posts: 7,863
Loc: Here & Now
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5054088 - 12/12/05 06:45 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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What you describe is an experience that is familiar to many people.
There has to be something wrong with me, right?
Not necessarily, but it does sound like you have a lot of unconscious material that NEEDS to be dealt with. It needs to be dealt with so badly that as a result you're thinking extremely negative thoughts.
But the reason why I have stuck with it almost six months now is because I'll "be a groomer." I'll have finished something, FINALLY in my life.
Don't do something just for the sake of doing something. There are MANY jobs and careers out there, you just got to look for one that you like. Plus you had that problem with the asshole at your job.
The problem is that everything in me is repelling against this goal.
There's a reason for that.
like a normal human being
There is no such thing.
I feel so trapped. And scared. Like I'm at the threshold.
You ARE at the threshold. Your unconscious is sending out such strong messages that they are (as you well know) impossible to ignore. So the best thing to do is to listen to them. They can be difficult to understand, but they are most apparent in dreams and during introspection.
I know how to fix it. But I can't seem to bring myself to do these things.
You sound ambivilant. On the one hand, you are suffering immensely and don't want to anymore. On the other hand, you don't have the motivation to do anything about it. That is COMPLETELY self-defeating behavior. Force yourself to do something. True will power is inside of you. If it takes you an entire day or even a week to find it and use it to help yourself, then so be it.
.it especially hurts because I feel like nobody really understands where I am coming from. I feel all alone in this.
I've gotten the same feelings during periods of depression. And listen, though it may seem like you are utterly and inextricably alone in this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You have a loving family, a loving husband, a loving community here, loving friends. You are literally surrounded by loving people, but again you're shutting yourself off from this love. Chances are these feelings of alienation and isolation come from deep within yourself. Ignoring them won't do any good, and neither will believing them. Unbeknownst to you, you are lying to yourself! So anything you feel and think, take with a grain of salt.
"Medicate or meditate" is what I'll probably hear.
Meditation is probably not a good idea. Meditation is helpful at the transpersonal level, but first you need to get a stable ego and self-identity. Without those, meditation will do no good, and maybe even do some bad.
Medication IS an option, but that is something that is entirely up to you and your doctor.
I don't know if you see a psychotherapist, but if you don't, then I think that is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING you can do.
I am embarressed by my irrational feelings.
It's a good first step that you recognize your feelings are irrational. But don't be embarrased by them. Definitely not, be proud that you are able to see them as such. Now take the next step and go to a psychologist or psychtherapist who can help you sort out properly and deal with the feelings. Please. If you won't do it for yourself, then do it as a favor for Lucy or your husband.
Love,
Daniel 
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"What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?"
"Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword"
- John Mayer
Making the noise "penicillin" is no substitute for actually taking penicillin.
"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." -Abraham Lincoln
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rogue_pixie
the cheeky nightsprite
Registered: 07/28/04
Posts: 3,525
Loc: Ye Olde England
Last seen: 3 days, 14 hours
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5054135 - 12/12/05 06:54 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
EllemyshShade said:What is wrong with me? Why can't I just go into work ,work, and then come home like a normal human being? Why does everything have to be such a
BIG
FUCKING
DEAL?
I feel so trapped. And scared. Like I'm at the threshold.
You see to me, spending more of your life working than going out and doing the things that we enjoy and people being able to tolerate that until they retire (if they can even afford to) is very weird. People who don't question anything and just accept things,day in, day out, they are truely strange and most probabably very unhappy also.
Try to focus on the things that are worth living for. This could be all that we have, life is a rare and fleeting treasure and despite all of the shit, it is rare that an individual will never experience true moments of sheer happiness and joy. Those are the times you have to try and focus on and look forward to because they will come again.
The harder times are, the more you will appreciate the good times. I think you will know that deep down, as well as I, that they are worth sticking around for. There will always be people around to listen, that's part of the beauty of being alive, connecting with other souls. Hold on tight, life's a ride.
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I'm a little monkey sitting in a tree, wouldn't you like to come on up and have some LSD?
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peepeepottypants
Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 1,021
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: rogue_pixie]
#5054201 - 12/12/05 07:13 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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You're not alone.
You know this feeling, you know it like the back of your hand. You are more familiar with the insanity of these emotions then you want to let yourself believe. If you know where you are, somewhere inside you, you know that it ends. However long that lapse in insanity and sadness may last, you know it comes, in some form or another. Just let yourself believe that this does end.
You panic about work you love, because as much as you love a job, its still work. I was given advice in a dream once, when I was going through something similar with my job, remember to live in the moment of it. Think about work, without thinking about how far away you are from finishing out your day.
Dont be upset with yourself for lapses, they are hard to deal with.
You are an inspirational person, even in your sadness.
Things do get better!
You have more strength in you than you're willing to believe in this state.
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jonnywax
of the vomitsquad
Registered: 02/04/04
Posts: 7,156
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5054247 - 12/12/05 07:25 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
EllemyshShade said:
I quit yesterday. I quit for six days, toked for six days and now I'm back to square one again.
you could try to quit for more than a week. the worst part about pot for me is the first few days after I quit smoking it. I get depressed, edgy, and all that jazz. I just noticed that pot does indeed make me depressed, as much as I don't want to believe it to be so, and I think you might suffer from something similar. frequent starting/stopping is probably only making it worse.
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skunk78395 said:
The inernet has been around for years, go google it.
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MOTH
Who, me?
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,415
Loc: Bridge of Flesh
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: dblaney]
#5054408 - 12/12/05 07:56 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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I really appreciate the replies.
Quote:
There has to be something wrong with me, right?
Not necessarily, but it does sound like you have a lot of unconscious material that NEEDS to be dealt with. It needs to be dealt with so badly that as a result you're thinking extremely negative thoughts.
I don't know where to start or what unconscious material there is. Usually a good trip will set me back on the "right path" so to speak...I've been using mushrooms as therapy for a few years now. I haven't tripped in nearly six months though. It's been so long I really want to go again. I have this whacked out idea that a hard trip is exactly what I need.
Quote:
But the reason why I have stuck with it almost six months now is because I'll "be a groomer." I'll have finished something, FINALLY in my life.
Don't do something just for the sake of doing something. There are MANY jobs and careers out there, you just got to look for one that you like. Plus you had that problem with the asshole at your job
Yeah I know...I felt a really strong pull to leave Petsmart after that happened. Come to think of it, work hasn't been the same for me since. I stayed because I thought, "Everyone is depending on me." I started having panic attacks just after I witnessed him beating the shit out of a dog. When I'm at work, everytime a groomer gets frustrated with a dog, I tense up and feel very anxious.
I don't know. Maybe I'll quit. But then I will have ruined everything.
Quote:
dblaney said:
I feel so trapped. And scared. Like I'm at the threshold.
You ARE at the threshold. Your unconscious is sending out such strong messages that they are (as you well know) impossible to ignore. So the best thing to do is to listen to them. They can be difficult to understand, but they are most apparent in dreams and during introspection.
All my dreams are full of running away from things. Conflict.
Quote:
You sound ambivilant. On the one hand, you are suffering immensely and don't want to anymore. On the other hand, you don't have the motivation to do anything about it. That is COMPLETELY self-defeating behavior.
I am totally ambivilant. There seems to be only one way out, one way to solve everything. Only one solution. I know I am being self-defeating and I don't even care. All I feel like doing is lying in bed and staring. That's pretty much all I've been doing. I have no motivation at all to "fix" myself. Because you see, this is not just a difficult "time of my life." This is my life. That's how it feels. Everything you say makes complete sense. I agree with everything you said. Only I've stopped caring. There is no energy inside of me to I just want relief now or I want to be gone now.
My perspective is pretty black and white at present...there's no either/or...it's all or nothing. So you can see my issue...I have no strength to work towards being happy. I just don't care about being happy anymore. I want out. I'm done. Happiness is only temporary. Death is forever (as far as we humans know).
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so negative...but that's just how I am these days.
Quote:
I know how to fix it. But I can't seem to bring myself to do these things.
Force yourself to do something. True will power is inside of you. If it takes you an entire day or even a week to find it and use it to help yourself, then so be it.
I know you're totally right. But what if I don't want to get better. What if I simply choose to die. I've been asking my husband this exact same question for months now. Can you really say that isn't the best choice for me? I hate thinking about my husband, how he'll feel afterwards...so I haven't been thinking about that. I've been focusing on the relief. The End. It's all I can think about, The End.
Quote:
.it especially hurts because I feel like nobody really understands where I am coming from. I feel all alone in this.
I've gotten the same feelings during periods of depression. And listen, though it may seem like you are utterly and inextricably alone in this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You have a loving family, a loving husband, a loving community here, loving friends. You are literally surrounded by loving people, but again you're shutting yourself off from this love. Chances are these feelings of alienation and isolation come from deep within yourself. Ignoring them won't do any good, and neither will believing them. Unbeknownst to you, you are lying to yourself! So anything you feel and think, take with a grain of salt.
You make a very convincing arguement. Depressed people always feel isolated so I know that these feelings aren't so unusual.
But one thing you said kinda agitated me.
Quote:
Unbeknownst to you, you are lying to yourself!
If this is true, then this just affirms my suspicion that I can't trust myself at all. And if you can't trust yourself, then who can you trust? I've never been able to and in recent months I've been trying to get to the point where I have faith in myself and every decision that I make. I don't know what to believe anymore about myself. I can't trust myself since I'm clearly misguided by emotion yet I'm supposed to trust myself anyway (so people say)? What kind of crazy ass circus IS this??!
Quote:
I don't know if you see a psychotherapist, but if you don't, then I think that is the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING you can do.
Funny you say such a thing. I've been telling my husband that I need to see a shrink for YEARS. We've never had enough money. Then finally, now that I get insurance with my job, I discover that they don't provide mental health service.
Do you know how surprised I was...
Not at all. Things like that never seem to work out for me. I'd love to see a therapist and I *know* I need to if I am going to survive being alive...but well, no chance.
And the hatred...the hatred I feel for the corporate world is staggering.
"No you can't see a therapist under our plan, but you can talk to one of our job counselors if you like!"
NO THANKS YOU GODDAMN RAPIST.
Quote:
I am embarressed by my irrational feelings.
It's a good first step that you recognize your feelings are irrational.
I don't 100% believe they are irrational...I am just tired of being overwelmed. I guess they are irrational but they are thought of in a rational way so they feel real.
Quote:
But don't be embarrased by them. Definitely not, be proud that you are able to see them as such. Now take the next step and go to a psychologist or psychtherapist who can help you sort out properly and deal with the feelings. Please. If you won't do it for yourself, then do it as a favor for Lucy or your husband.
Thanks...you helped remind me that I'm not alone even though I feel like I'm all alllll alone. I guess feelings can be deceptive. I'm just so tired of battling mine. I give up.
Although I am trying to stay here for my husband. But even my connection with him seems futile and pointless. When I think of him though I want to kill myself a little less.
Anyway, thanks for talking to me at least.
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MOTH
Who, me?
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 18,415
Loc: Bridge of Flesh
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: jonnywax]
#5054526 - 12/12/05 08:18 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
jonnywax said:
Quote:
EllemyshShade said:
I quit yesterday. I quit for six days, toked for six days and now I'm back to square one again.
you could try to quit for more than a week. the worst part about pot for me is the first few days after I quit smoking it. I get depressed, edgy, and all that jazz. I just noticed that pot does indeed make me depressed, as much as I don't want to believe it to be so, and I think you might suffer from something similar. frequent starting/stopping is probably only making it worse.
heh, I'm starting to feel like everyone in this thread is totally right with everything they are saying...
I am done with pot for awhile. I can't keep doing this up and down stuff. It's too much. I can't handle it.
I'd like to thank rogue_pixie, peepeepottypants and MushroomTrip for their replies too...I'd reply individually to you but I am exhausted from thinking about this today.
Should I quit my job?
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VirgilKane
Miner for truth and delusion
Registered: 05/17/05
Posts: 1,121
Loc: lowdown
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: jonnywax]
#5054562 - 12/12/05 08:24 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
I've been having problems going into work, each morning I get anxious and have panic attacks. I'm not sure why I feel so nervous about going into a job I like.
Words straight from my mouth! I've had that feeling for a few years now and only in the last few months realized, with the help of some dear and wonderful friends, that it was fear, plain and simple. It sounds simple and silly, I know, but I only realized this after coming to terms with the fact that I was living my whole life looking through a fear-based filter. I still get the feelings now and then, but not as much. seeing where they were coming from took their power over me away. Now when I feel them I know where they're coming from and realize that fear is basically the core feeling that colors my world and now I'm better able to not automatically fall prey to this arbitrary fear, look past the effects and see that there are other ways to view things.
I've come to the conclusion that everyone has a "core" feeling that guides their lives, one that either we were born with to try to go through this life with or one that we adopted way back in the beginning. There are but a few feelings and yours may very well not be the same as mine. But it helped me immensely to sit quietly alone and go down, down, down and find this feeling, the one that all the others immense from. It was really quite liberating to find out why I always viewed things the way I did and to come to the realization that it was but one way to look at things.
Hang in there Mysh. This too shall pass.(even though it seems like it won't)
We're all here for you and DEFINITELY DON'T feel embarrassed! It takes courage to even acknowledge that you need to do something about the way you're feeling. Most people live their lives glossing over their feelings to be able to go about living a "normal" life. If they stopped long enough to look inside they'd fall apart...just like I did for a while!  It's kinda like ego loss. You have to tear it all apart to rebuild it and it gets worse before it gets better.
HOLD ON!!!!
Down, down, down!
Try it, you'll probably be very pleasantly surprised!
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Absense of evidence is not evidence of absense...
"Religion is a defense against a religious experience"
Carl G. Jung
"So really, ordinary reality is a kind of chemical habit, sanctioned by culture, which says it's okay to use certain drugs, eat certain foods, and have certain sexual behaviors. However, when you transcend all this pre-conditioning by returning to the original wisdom of the animal body, then you discover this immense dimension of opportunity. For some people, it is a frightening risk. To me, that's the psychedelic experience."
Terence McKenna
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VirgilKane
Miner for truth and delusion
Registered: 05/17/05
Posts: 1,121
Loc: lowdown
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: VirgilKane]
#5054645 - 12/12/05 08:33 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
If this is true, then this just affirms my suspicion that I can't trust myself at all. And if you can't trust yourself, then who can you trust? I've never been able to and in recent months I've been trying to get to the point where I have faith in myself and every decision that I make. I don't know what to believe anymore about myself. I can't trust myself since I'm clearly misguided by emotion yet I'm supposed to trust myself anyway (so people say)? What kind of crazy ass circus IS this??!
This is exactly what I'm talking about. The closer you get to breaking it all down, the less you trust every move you make...at least it was this way for me. I didn't know what to believe anymore, especially when it came to me. It was crazy!(I was crazy)(Ego loss, Baby!) 
Then it all just leveled out seeing what drove my perception of the world and it put me back it charge again!(As far as any of us can be in charge) 
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Absense of evidence is not evidence of absense...
"Religion is a defense against a religious experience"
Carl G. Jung
"So really, ordinary reality is a kind of chemical habit, sanctioned by culture, which says it's okay to use certain drugs, eat certain foods, and have certain sexual behaviors. However, when you transcend all this pre-conditioning by returning to the original wisdom of the animal body, then you discover this immense dimension of opportunity. For some people, it is a frightening risk. To me, that's the psychedelic experience."
Terence McKenna
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Divided_Sky
Ten ThousandThings
Registered: 11/02/03
Posts: 3,171
Loc: The Shining Void
Last seen: 6 months, 2 days
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5054724 - 12/12/05 08:45 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Ellemy, you know that tons of people on here care about you and I'm sure your husband loves you very much too. I think you are one of the best posters on here and I know that your words have had an impact on the lives of many people. Your life is significant to a whole lot of different people, even if you have never seen what they look like.
I would also agree that seeing a therapist might be a good idea, but I'm in the same boat as you: feeling depressed but having no money to do anything about it.
However, I will let you in on a little secret about psychotherapy. The most important thing in therapy is learning to love and accept yourself. It sounds to me like you have been very frustrated with yourself and because of internalizing other people's criticism you are resenting yourself for not meeting their standards. This doesn't mean you consciously care what other people think, but that you still see yourself through the perspective of people who have cruel and unkind to you. You have to stop this.
Pain is created by running away from pain. When you accept it for what it is, it will go away on its own. It's like an allergic reaction, the allergen itself doesn't hurt you, only the mistaken overreaction of your body. You feel alone because in your mind you have divided yourself, by rejecting what you don't like you are isolating one part of the mind from another. (I stole this from an amazing book by Alan Watts, The Wisdom of Insecurity)
I think it is necessary to consciously look at every thought and emotion that goes through your head and embrace it, accept it. Show love and understanding for your fear, for your insecurity and even self-hatred and you can begin to be at one with yourself and feel happier. You don't need other people to validate you, in fact it's your world that you live in. Considering the vast universe within your mind what other people do or think is insignificant. The work that needs to be done is inside, and if you want to live in a world of love that means learning to love everything that is inside you.
You have to practice compassion for your self. Think about how you have compassion for other people and animals. Why do you not also have compassion for yourself? You are a wonderful person and you have touched many lives. You are worth loving. Believe that.
That can be a meditation in itself. Sometimes I just sit myself down, close my eyes and try to become conscious of every thought that crosses my mind, and with each one deliberately show kindness and affection to it. This can be a very profound and healing practice.
If you are thinking of suicide you consider the possibility that it will not solve anything. I believe your actions and thoughts will just continue on somewhere else, doing the same things until you correct these issues. Suicide is pointless in eternity.
I cannot recommend that you use any drugs right now, however if you feel that mushrooms have helped you in the past I might suggest you try some MDMA. I think the state that e can take you to is ideal for learning to accept yourself and letting go of painful hangups. Personally I think it is much better for resolve emotional issues than mushrooms. However, if you are doing so bad that a few days of lowered seratonin would be dangerous then I would not advise it.
Remember that you are a very kind and special person. Don't be hard on yourself because you have done nothing to deserve it.
PM if you need to talk.
ds
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1. "After an hour I wasn't feeling anything so I decided to take another..."
2. "We were feeling pretty good so we decided to smoke a few bowls..."
3. "I had to be real quiet because my parents were asleep upstairs..."
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dblaney
Human Being
Registered: 10/03/04
Posts: 7,863
Loc: Here & Now
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: Divided_Sky]
#5056052 - 12/13/05 04:56 AM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Well said.
I cannot recommend that you use any drugs right now, however if you feel that mushrooms have helped you in the past I might suggest you try some MDMA. I think the state that e can take you to is ideal for learning to accept yourself and letting go of painful hangups. Personally I think it is much better for resolve emotional issues than mushrooms. However, if you are doing so bad that a few days of lowered seratonin would be dangerous then I would not advise it.
Yeah, I was going to say the same thing. MDMA really helped me out of my own existential funk about a year back. Take it in a supportive environment with supportive people and some 5-HTP afterwards, and it could definitely help you.
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"What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?"
"Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword"
- John Mayer
Making the noise "penicillin" is no substitute for actually taking penicillin.
"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." -Abraham Lincoln
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Simisu
taken by gravity
Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 4,110
Loc: Israel
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5056508 - 12/13/05 09:51 AM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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what is your "perfect living situation"?
what would make you content?
what would be a good reason to live?
i think you have it all backwards!
don't treat the symptoms treat the source!
something is obviusly missing if you dread waking up everyday right?
what is it?
please... if you have the time and energy just describe (don't even post it if you don't feel like it) the ideal you'd like to live by
then realize how much stuff you still have to accomplish and do it... step by step... all other things will resolve themsleves!
do your self a favour and stay away from SSRI's and all that shit!
a good psychotherapist can help ALOT but you don't need these drugs!
you're a normal person with the ups and downs of real life (i don't think i honestly know ANYONE who's really content with his life... sometimes people seem to be but usualy that's just a front becouse most people are closed to you!)
write your book become a groomer make some money and figure out other things that need change then change them!
create your ideal situation or strive for it the best you can...
is there more to life then that? (well... there's all that life partner thingy and kids... dunno about all that)
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 Shr mery
Visit & Support Free Spore Ring Europe and Canada
 Please help spread live Salvia Divinorum
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Dreamer987
The VerbalHerman Munster
Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 5,253
Loc: Texas
Last seen: 10 months, 29 days
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 Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5056997 - 12/13/05 11:53 AM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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I'm here, i'm always here.
I don't always post in these, because i want to give you your space.
I can offer my text of encouragement, and hope it means something to you. That it helps, and that it will make you feel better at least momentarily.
all i can say is, I've been there. I know where your coming from. I know what its like to be depressed, for no reason. To be sad most of the time.
The only thing you can do is Strive to be happy. To seek out those beautiful moments in life and hold onto them. you can't die. You'v got a book to write.
I know what its like to be uncomfortable around people. To have panic attacks, and not be able to function. I had one at work the other day, and had to hide for about 15-20 min until it passed.
I hope you feel better. That you get through this, and reach a platue where the good outweighs the bad. I want to help you through some of this, but your making it hard for me.
Have i met Lucy?
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Veritas
Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 10,379
Loc: PNW
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: Dreamer987]
#5057283 - 12/13/05 12:45 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Dreamer987 said:The only thing you can do is Strive to be happy. To seek out those beautiful moments in life and hold onto them.
Quote:
simisu said
what is your "perfect living situation"?
what would make you content?
what would be a good reason to live?
i think you have it all backwards!
don't treat the symptoms treat the source!
something is obviusly missing if you dread waking up everyday right?
what is it?
please... if you have the time and energy just describe (don't even post it if you don't feel like it) the ideal you'd like to live by
I disagree with the outside-in approach you both recommend. IMO the only way to enjoy life is to work from the inside-out. Right now Mysh is struggling with her inner experience of her life. Trying to fix that by improving her circumstances is backwards.
Mysh: I highly recommend finding a counselor. Do you qualify for any state-based insurance? In my state, we have one program which provides coverage for those whose income is below poverty level, and other which provides assistance in paying the premiums on private insurance coverage. Check out your state's human services website.
Even if you cannot qualify for assistance, you might be able to work out a trade for counseling. I was depressed several years ago, and could not afford private counseling, but agreed to trade my assistance with insurance billing. We traded hour-for-hour, and both felt we were getting the better end of the deal. Maybe you could find a counselor whose dog needs walking/grooming/training?
In the meantime, read "Handbook to Higher Consciousness," by Ken Keyes. It is a simple "re-working" of the Rational Emotive Therapy techniques originated by Albert Ellis, with a little Buddhist non-attachment thrown in for good measure.
IMO we create unhappiness through clinging to negative/irrational thinking patterns, and can quit creating it by changing those "bad habits."
Best of luck to you! It may or may not help you to know that this advice comes from someone who struggled with emotionality and depression for 25 years before "taking the reins." The circumstances of my daily life are very challenging, but I find myself in love with life again and again.
You are not alone. Everyone is mired in their suffering to different degrees, but we are all here in this human experience, and it is our choice how much enjoyment we derive from it.
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No man is free who is not master of himself.
~Epictetus.
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dblaney
Human Being
Registered: 10/03/04
Posts: 7,863
Loc: Here & Now
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: MOTH]
#5057365 - 12/13/05 01:00 PM (2 years, 11 months ago) |
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I have no motivation at all to "fix" myself. Because you see, this is not just a difficult "time of my life." This is my life. That's how it feels. Everything you say makes complete sense. I agree with everything you said. Only I've stopped caring. There is no energy inside of me to I just want relief now or I want to be gone now.
To me, it sounds like you realize that what you're experiencing is not what you would like to be experiencing. That you want a way out of the way you're feeling.
There are ways out. Sitting around staring at the wall (inaction) is one way. Medication is another option. Therapy is a third. Death is another way out, but the thing with death is that there is no way back in. You may think you want it now, but you don't even know what it is. Once you're gone, you may be gone for eternity (our mental representation is a finite version of eternity, there is no way to truly comprehend it). You have been given a blessing of being able to experience things. When you're dead, you cannot experience anything, even the experience of nothing.
All of these (inaction, action, death) are potential solutions. They all involve action of some sort or another. I have been where you are and still pass through there from time to time. It's horribly unpleasant. There is no one "right" solution or path to take, but I decided to take the path of actively finding solutions to my problems, and I sincerely recommend that path, as it leads to true love and true peace in the now, not in the future.
So you can see my issue...I have no strength to work towards being happy. I just don't care about being happy anymore.
You may not care about being happy, but you very clearly care about suffering. If you won't work towards being happy, perhaps a better approach is to work towards ending your suffering. And ending your life will not end your suffering.
I want out. I'm done. Happiness is only temporary. Death is forever (as far as we humans know).
The Buddha said that there are four basic truths to life. 1) There is suffering. 2) This suffering has a cause. 3) There is a way out of this suffering. 3) The way out is the 8-fold path.
"There is no way to happiness. Happiness is simply the way."
What makes you think that death is not happiness? What makes you think that life is not happiness? There are ways to get to this happiness, and we're all here to help you get it. If I were in your shoes, I would talk with your husband. No matter what happens, it couldn't hurt, could it?
As for not having insurance to cover psychotherapy, take a look in the yellow pages or online for clinics or similar in your area.
http://www.helppro.com/aspdocs/naswbsearch1.asp
http://search.socialworkers.org/default.asp?df=CSW&fn=
--------------------
"What is in us that turns a deaf ear to the cries of human suffering?"
"Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword"
- John Mayer
Making the noise "penicillin" is no substitute for actually taking penicillin.
"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it." -Abraham Lincoln
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Simisu
taken by gravity
Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 4,110
Loc: Israel
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Re: Welcome to Wits End [Re: Veritas]
&nbs |
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