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 Schwip
Never sleeps.
Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 3,934
Last seen: 1 year, 7 months
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 When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back
#6471433 - 01/17/07 09:26 PM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back
By Cocaine
August 16, 2006
Why so down in the dumps, vato? Man, you don't look so good. What happened, artillery-shell blow half your face off? What's that? You're hooked on methamphetamine? You're kidding, right? Isn't that what they used to give depressed house-pets? Well, enjoy it while you can, kid, because the novelty won't last. I promise you right now that soon enough, that little glass pipe of yours will be collecting dust in a cockroach-infested corner as you sit hunched over that traffic-sign-on-cinderblocks you use for a table, reacquainting yourself with your old powdery amigo blanco.
I remember when you were all jazzed for angel dust. Next was the crack version of me, followed by—what was that shit—OxyContin? ˇAy, dios mio! But the good times never last: You always need more, more, more just to get the same high, and soon you're hanging out at highway weigh-stations, blowing 300-pound truckers for two bucks.
Mi querido, you could've had that with me all along. Look, when fabulous, kick-ass rock-star me is around, everything else is redundant. Unless you're into LSD or mushrooms, in which case I say, go fuck a sunset, hippie. I'm my own gateway drug, baby!
And isn't crystal meth basically just chemicals, man? Don't you have to set up a bunch of flasks and beakers and Bunsen burners in your kitchen and boil down a ton of stuff to get maybe half-an-ounce of the shit? Whatever. Sounds boring. Of course, I'm all coca leaves, 100 percent natural, made with love in the jungles of Colombia.
Jesus fucking Christ, I'm so much better I could go on for pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages.
Three great things about me: Uno, you can snort big fat lines of me wherever there's a flat surface, from mom's vanity mirror to the disco bathroom. Dos, it's always been my personal guarantee that you will be the sharpest, funniest, hottest, fiercest, whip-fucking-smartest motherfucker in the place. Tres, no open sores. Might have some nose-cartilage issues, but nothing anyone can actually see.
Know what the best thing to do when you're on me is? Rent a penthouse suite, open the window, stand out on the ledge, and bay at the moon. With meth, you're too busy counting the teeth on the rug to see the big picture. Sure, you have your euphoric moments, but do you ever feel like a quicksilver Jesus who knows all, sees all, and is all? It's better than anything. It's better than the end of Rocky.
You need meth to get off? That is just sad. Hello!—why do you think they call me "blow"? Actually, I'm not sure why I'm called blow. This might sound weird coming from me, but it just ain't right to use drugs for sexual benefit. Should you feel like you can fall 20 feet and not get hurt, or plunge your hand into a flame and not feel it, or put your fist through a glass coffee-table and not notice all the bleeding? Absolutely. But to smoke or snort something just to feel sensations you should feel naturally? That's malas noticias in my book.
I'm the biggest cash crop in three countries. Who can say that about crystal meth? Bakersfield, California? I am an international powerhouse: For every ounce of me you've snorted, at least two people have died. I'm talking deadly airlifts out of the jungle, thrilling speedboat shootouts, spectacular daylight assassinations of politicians, executions of informants, electrodes on villagers' genitals—name it, it's there. And I'm not even counting the me-fueled spree killings.
Know what? Fuck you. I'm no sloppy seconds. You know who's doing me right now, as we speak? Charlie fucking Sheen. I don't need you. I'm a star. So suck it, you little corn-fed scarecrow. Go back to slopping pigs and huffing nail-polish remover, you raggedy-ass hick.
Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I take that back. I miss you, baby. We were great together. I just want it to be the way it was. Up all night, talking about whatever's on your mind. Dancing till the sun comes up. Just you and me and several of your friends.
Hey, it's all good. No worries. Because I know you'll be back. You've never been able to resist me. I can wait as long as it takes because I'm forever, amigo. If you need me, I'll be in the restroom of a Philadelphia law firm, up a paralegal's nose.
...
Cocaine is a longtime stimulant synthesized from the leaves of the coca plant. It maintains residences in Miami and Bogota.
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" If the sky were to suddenly open up there would be no law. There would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories... the choices you've made, and the people you've touched. If this world were to end there would only be you and him and no-one else. "
..............
"MAN! You know there aint no such thing as left over crack!"
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TheSlapnCapn
Durajesus
Registered: 08/08/03
Posts: 1,591
Loc: zee mountain state
Last seen: 3 months, 3 days
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 Re: When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back [Re: Schwip]
#6471448 - 01/17/07 09:29 PM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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Onion reader eh?
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I promise to live, love, exist, and be, and hope that all life will love to be in existence with me. Also... Fuck you.
-j
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 Boom
analyst/therapist
Registered: 06/16/04
Posts: 10,623
Loc: US and A
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Re: When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back [Re: Schwip]
#6471453 - 01/17/07 09:31 PM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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hahaha
that's what I always pictured cocaine sounding like
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Schwip
Never sleeps.
Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 3,934
Last seen: 1 year, 7 months
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Re: When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back [Re: TheSlapnCapn]
#6471458 - 01/17/07 09:32 PM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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Onion.
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" If the sky were to suddenly open up there would be no law. There would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories... the choices you've made, and the people you've touched. If this world were to end there would only be you and him and no-one else. "
..............
"MAN! You know there aint no such thing as left over crack!"
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cApTaInCrAp
Delightfullyexcellent
Registered: 03/19/04
Posts: 1,460
Loc: Washington
Last seen: 28 days, 22 hours
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Re: When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back [Re: Boom]
#6471465 - 01/17/07 09:35 PM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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Interesting, i like
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"...Terrific, im glad we've had this time to discuss..im outro, call me if you wanna blaze one up.."
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consensio3
pirate
Registered: 12/23/06
Posts: 14
Last seen: 10 months, 13 days
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Re: When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back [Re: cApTaInCrAp]
#6471495 - 01/17/07 09:44 PM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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me gusta lol
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Man, when you lose your laugh you lose your footing.
-kesey
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tibberous
Stranger
Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 181
Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
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Re: When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back [Re: consensio3]
#6471666 - 01/17/07 10:33 PM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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I about shit. You probably have had to do both of the drugs for it to really be funny.
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Banez
Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 15,181
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Re: When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back [Re: Schwip]
#6471674 - 01/17/07 10:35 PM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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hey schwip.
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Banez' PF Tek For Beginners
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Hyper_Panda_GO
Team Action!
Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 9,659
Last seen: 1 hour, 34 minutes
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Re: When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back [Re: Schwip]
#6472071 - 01/18/07 12:37 AM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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I actually wouldn't mind the 300 pound trucker part
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There is no valid reason you should be reading this
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Wysefool
UnderlineStrikeout
Registered: 12/26/02
Posts: 5,711
Loc: HFIL
Last seen: 3 days, 22 hours
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Re: When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back [Re: Schwip]
#6472440 - 01/18/07 04:06 AM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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That was an awesome article, I'd like to see meth writing in response
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Capture the dam(n)age 
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GnuBobo
Frilly Cuffs Extraordinaire
Registered: 06/17/04
Posts: 43,748
Loc: Charisma
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Re: When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back [Re: Wysefool]
#6472459 - 01/18/07 04:38 AM (1 year, 10 months ago) |
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I have kitty and a girl that likes cool movies and some champagne. I'm happy without meth. 
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Jerry Garcia. JERRY GARCIA! JERRY GARCIA!!!!
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Krystal Klear
Registered: 05/09/07
Posts: 1,031
Loc: Mushroomvilletopiatonopol...
Last seen: 8 months, 13 days
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 Re: When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back [Re: Schwip]
#6930074 - 05/17/07 12:31 PM (1 year, 6 months ago) |
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I must say I myself recovering meth addict got a kick out of that article, however I dont quite understand the glorifying of cocaine. Honestly coke is the most addicting drug I have ever done in my life (I only done heroin once and refused it because im aware of addiction potential) With meth you smoke it and your fucked up for like 8 hours, and if you can get to sleep after that 8 hours its all good. Its the people that cant fall asleep and do nothing but think of meth (especially when you smoke it) for the next 24 hours that are in trouble. Anyways I can honestly say I have never had fun in my life after smoking crack or doing coke... while with meth as dirty as it is its not as instantly gratifying as cocaine to me, therefore easier to control. I dont like any drug that i feel controls me, so I have kinda stepped back from these drugs and wandered into Psychedelics 
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Nothing I say is meant to be taken seriously.
-Krystal
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Madtowntripper
Sun-Beams out of Cucumbers
Registered: 03/06/03
Posts: 13,954
Last seen: 47 minutes, 46 seconds
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Re: When This Meth Thing Blows Over, You'll Come Crawling Back [Re: Krystal Klear]
#6930096 - 05/17/07 12:34 PM (1 year, 6 months ago) |
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Its an onion article.
Its meant to be funny.
And this thread is old!
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