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 Sunny
I am thewalrus.....
 
Registered: 10/07/06
Posts: 6,132
Loc: on the magic bus
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 here's a draft...
#6473474 - 01/18/07 01:41 PM (1 year, 7 months ago) |
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I wrote this over a couple days in 3 different colors of ink. It's been hangin out in my coat pocket for a bit. well I dunno, you think it's ok?
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thought I was a poet
but I'm a whiskey drinkin fool
write about the way things are
the way things should be
talk about how day turns into night
lovely, lovely, lovely
brawny, braided, bit.
you write your novel
you tie your tie
thought I was a writer
but what waster
sing about the sun and the moon
talk about blades of grass
I'll untie my tie
I'll undress my head
lovely, lovely, lovely
brawny, braided, bit
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good, bad, ugly?
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It's in my report.
Peace out, Dm.
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 Syle
Registered: 10/16/05
Posts: 5,327
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 21 hours, 47 minutes
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Re: here's a draft... [Re: Sunny]
#6473566 - 01/18/07 02:05 PM (1 year, 7 months ago) |
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"lovely, lovely, lovely
brawny, braided, bit."
i like the flow of those lines. good movement within the construct of the language itself; specially the 3 B words together. i am no poet or lyricist, so that is as far as i can see into it 
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Changa is a DMT smoking mixture. Dissolve 1 gram of DMT crystals in some everclear (or I use absinthe) Mix in 2 grams of crushed Banisteriopsis caapi leaves. Let the alky evaporate and you have DMT infused caapi leaves. Deemster doink is what happens when you smoke a fat bong rip of changa
-FractalDust
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PenCapBlue
Mmmmbop
Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 26
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Re: here's a draft... [Re: Syle]
#6473908 - 01/18/07 03:52 PM (1 year, 7 months ago) |
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It seems like you just started writing, going nowhere with it. And it turned into a slapjunk hunk of ideas.
It doesn't go anywhere.
It seems like there are a lot of ideas or symbolism that only you would understand.
Poetry has to be strong. It has to convey something. An emotion, idea... There's too much unsaid in your poem. Sit down and get wrapped up in emotion, or an idea, and just write. Don't worry about stanzas, punctuation or anything, just see what comes out. And if it's shit? Try again later, or don't try again ever, your choice. Or wait till it (the writing that is) bursts out of you.
My opinion. I might be crazy though. Don't stop though.
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