Dosage: 2 capsules ground rue taken 45 minutes prior to 4.5 grams dried P.
cubensis
Preparation: Diet restrictions for 4 days prior - no meat, alchohol,
caffiene, chocolate, nicotine, marijuana, or other drugs or toxins consumed.
Day of trip fasting and enema.
Ritual - Spent hour prior to cosumtion meditating, breathing, and performing
other mind focusing excercises. Spent ten minutes before ingestion invoking
protective spirits to guide me on my trip (Ganesa in particular). Spent five
minutes before ingestion confronting *Teonanactal,* the spirit of the
mushroom, to inform it of my intentions, what I expected of it, and asked
that we enter into the "unity" with full understanding and respect for each
other.
Setting: My apartment in downtown Seattle, 8:00 pm. Candles, incense, etc.
The Trip:
Sitting in a meditative position before the small "shrine" I had laid out on
the floor, I spent about 15 minutes chewing and eating the mushrooms, washing
them down with water (no stomach discomfort noticed). Spent another fifteen
minutes meditating and waiting for effects. At the half hour mark I became
very agitated. The mushrooms were coming on, I had to urinate, and I was
becoming tense. I got up and went to the bathroom. Since the bathroom is
completely dark when the door is closed, I decided to sit for a while and see
what kind of visuals I would get in the darkness.
When I closed the door and switched out the light, I could not distinguish
between eyes open and eyes closed. In the darkness I began to see very
rapidly flowing matrices of fluid energy. It was like being at the center of
a graceful virtual reality cyclone with no texture mapping - just the 3-D
wireframe spinning and morphing in very flourescent pinks, purples, and
greens. At the center of these vortices I could see wide round eyeballs and
grinning teeth - a horrible visage of the "Joker" swirling around and
popping up. Similar to skull imagery I get on LSD, but much more cartoony and
maniacal. After about 10 minutes of this I began to get very brilliant
*flashes*, like someone snapped a camera flash in my eyes (in complete
darkness!?). There were four in all, I believe, coming at about 10 second
intervals. I had never experienced this before, and a kind of "Oh shit, what
have I done" feeling came over me.
*A note on the "Joker" - The joker is an image I have seen on many
psychedelic experiences. Often during visual hallucinations, I can see the
visage of the "Joker" through the cracks (i.e dark or black spots) in my
visuals. It is almost as if the "Joker" is standing (hiding?) behind a pane
of glass and painting up my thoughts as I think them.
Also in the bathroom there were hints of the "flourescent plastic clown room"
that I have been in on various tryptamine voyages - a place where clown
images pop out of the matrice with large belly laughs, sinister grins, etc.
Often accompanied by the smell of vinyl(?). I know this is a bit weird, but I
have talked to others (some on this list) who have also been in this
particular state.
I got up and returned to the living room. At this point I became very
disappointed. I had seen the spinning flourescent matrices (complete with
Joker backdrop) before on many mushroom and DMT trips, and though it was very
cool to look at, it was CERTAINLY not the "great void" I was seeking. I got
up and walked out of the bathroom and back into the living room. I suddenly
felt very silly for going through all the preparation and ritual and was
actually quite angry with myself. I briefly considered going for a walk or
something silly like that, but then remembered that I was only about an hour
into the trip, and I should give it a little longer to manifest before I
deviated from my intentions.
I sat down to mediatate again, but was cold. I got up, got a sweater, sat
down, wondered if I should put on some music. I was still very agitated and
could not focus. My back hurt and I could not sit comfortably in the lotus
position. I leaned back against the couch and spread my arms out. I breathed
deeply and focused my attention at a point on the wall. The more I focused my
attention on the wood grain, the deeper I could see into it. It was as if I
could see *into* it, into the void. The grain of the wood around the point I
was focusing on began to morph like syrup into images of faces in profile,
more eyeballs, tounges licking, and other erotic imagery. The penetrating
feeling of sex in this space is undeniable and overpowering. I had seen
this before also, and although it was VERY cool, it was still not what I was
looking for.
*note on into - at this point in the hallucinations, 3-D reality seems to
unravel. Solid, surface level textures suddely seem to have infinite depth,
as if they are collapsing inward and convecting outward at the same time.
Hard to describe, but very funky.
I yawned uncontrollably and put my head back against the couch. I looked up
at the ceiling and tears ran down my face from the yawn. I rubbed them from
my eyes and was stunned by how the tears felt. They seemed to be dense with
salt, almost more powder than liquid, but definitely fluid, like a mercury or
an oil. My first though was "is there DMT in my tears?"
I could hear tiny whispering voices creeping up around me. They seemed to be
saying things like "Do you think he can hear us?" and "Should we surprise
him?" followed by lots of giggling and shushing. At first I thought there
were actually people coming to surprise me - a surprise birthday(?) party of
friends, neighbors and relatives - even dead ones(???) who were going to rush
through the door or pop out of the closet. Then I realized it was them, the
elves, the helping spirits, the hekura... those mishevious little DMT
spirits. I could feel them buzzing around the perifory of my vision very
cautiously. I felt as if they were planning to jump out at me, so I quickly
turned my head and yelled "Ha!" to surprise them first. The shout was very
loud and it surprised even me.
They scattered with a "whoosh" and I could hear them tittering "Ooh, that was
very scary, hee hee he". They began laughing and rolling around, holding
their bellies, and pointing at me. I sat up and looked around again and it
suddenly hit me that I was in the DMT flash. It didn't come on with a "whack"
like smoked DMT, it just crept up on me, but I was DEFINITELY there. If
you've ever been there, you know it when you see it.
I felt like I was surounded by this fluid, the same fluid I felt in my tears.
It was like an ether or plasma - the fluid of spacetime? I began to feel
very playful because this was the place I was attempting to get to and I was
finally here. The "space" was kind difficult to "tune" to, it was phasing
in and out of clarity and I was having trouble concentrating. Out loud I said
"Okay, you can come out now. Come on..." I was trying to speak to the elves
and call them to me like a cat or a dog, but it was like trying to round up a
group of hyperactive children. They were bouncing all around and rubbing this
fluid all over themselves and saying things like "mmmm, yummy" while they
wiggled around in it. They looked like naked and chubby little cherubs with
no wings, but not made of flesh(?). Their hair was curly and seemed to roll
in fractalized waves over their heads.
Finally I said "Okay, if you don't want to play I won't ask you my questions
and I'll put you back in your box," pointing to the box I kept my mushrooms
in. This caught their attention. They sprang forward with big eyes saying
"Questions? Oooh, questions," and "Stay and play! You never come to play any
more."
I had prepared some questions and the first one had to do with a skin
condition I have had for the past few weeks that has resisted treatment. I
said "Okay, if you're such geniuses, how do I get rid of this fungus on my
skin?" They danced around and responded with a game-show style buzzer and
said something to the effect of "Nope. Uh-uh. Try again." One came right up
to my face and waved it index finger at me (which also fractalized out at the
tips).
"It's not a fungus?" I asked. "Is it a bacteria?" They all sat and tapped
their fingers against their chins saying "Hmmmmmm. A bacteria. A bacteria, he
says. Now wouldn't that be interesting..." But they had no answer "Would an
antibtiotic kill it?" I asked, and they all jumped into the air ringing
little bells and bouncing around with glee. "Ooh, he's so smart!" they said.
"What a GENIUS! An antibiotic would certainly kill a bacteria..."
This little conversation led to a strange unfolding drama about where
pharmeceuticals come from, and how it takes the work of hundreds of people
just to produce one little antibiotic pill, and how there are numerous
governmental and even galactic(???) policing agencies which monitor the
production of such substances. NOTE: The bacteria diagnosis turned out to be
incorrect. Atibiotics did NOT cure the condition. Ketaconazol, a broad
spectrum anti-fungal medication, finally cured it. The elves may know a
thing or two about quantum physics and relativity, but they don't know sh*t
about dermatology.
I was amazed by how overjoyed the little elves seemed to be getting from our
conversation. I was a little awed and amused, but they were BURSTING with
giddy glee. I asked another question. "What can I do to heal the
environmental crisis our planet is in?" At this point the elves disappeared
as my mind was filled with dozens of images of me commiting senseless,
wasteful acts - wasting water, not recycling, eating fast food, needless
consumption, etc. I was being scolded. The elves all started stumbling around
like hypnotized zombies, littering, dropping beer bottles, etc. They were
mumbling Duh, uh, how do I save the planet, duh... like we don't all know
the answer to that one already.
They can be VERY sardonic. Okay, stupid question.
It was at this point the trip got weird, because suddenly I was introduced to
a whole bunch of information relating to a great cosmic conspiracy of some
kind. Through a hallucination theatre, I was being shown the purpose of
alien abductions and cattle mutilations. What I was being shown was that
aliens were synthesizing very potent drugs from the hormones(?) of humans
and to a lesser extent cows. The best hormones were those produced at the
height of passion or in states of intense terror. I became aware of the fact
that these aliens were present ALL THE TIME, invisible, and lurking about
waiting to "score" off our emotions (vampire myths anyone?). I recall
distinctly feeling like this fluid, the one in my tears that the elves loved
so much, was some sort of rare galactic commodity, like the antibiotics, and
Earth was one of the best suppliers of this commodity. The theater showed
me that not only is this fluid a drug, but it is also the primary building
material for a whole host of advanced technologies (flying saucers, time
travel, etc). In retrospect, this seems to be pure delusional
crazy-thinking.
Getting weirder - at the exact moment I had the "Galactic drama" revelation,
there was a flood of noise - cars starting up and zooming off outside, a
plane passing overhead, doors banging, toilets flushing... I believe someone
on this list posted similar experiences. The galactic conspiracy theater
worked its way down to the waste management industry. Apparantly, this
"fluid" is contained in the waste we flush down our toilets, wash down our
sinks and throw in our garbage - in our urine, on our bloody tampons, on our
snot and semen soaked tissues, etc. I got image after image of some giant
distillery somwhere employing thousands of government workers who were
combing through tons of garbage and millions of gallons of waste-water just
for a precious few tiny drops of this "life fluid". It was quite creepy and
yucky. Too much for my tiny ape-brain to handle. I was losing voliton. My
body was becoming heavy. I was yawning more and more. More tears. More fluid.
I was creeped out and starting to pass out. I stumbled to bed.
Once I got to bed I lost all semblance of being in control. While laying
there I entered a half-dream half-wake state that was remiscient of times
dating back to my childhood. I remembered half-dreams that I used to have
while waking or falling asleep as a child - satets I hadn't though of since I
experienced them years ago. For a period of time I "died" - my consciousness
left my body, I stopped breathing, and I spun through hyperspace. Suddenly,
everyone I knew who had ever died was surrounding me, like I was at a big
family reunion, but it was not just family, it was *everyone* who has ever
died (including Jerry Garcia, who was on stage playing, of course). Not only
was I in this "dead space" (pun intended), I was also simultenously in the
peak of every other psychedleic trip I've ever had, as well as these
dream-states from childhood. I was existing simultenously on many different
levels at once, living and reliving different moments in time for what
seemed like eternity, but it was all very jumbled and choppy.
I started reliving experiences from my childhood in chronological
progression. I was mumbling a string-of-consciousness nonsense that went kind
of like "zoom, voom, ca-choom, bobo, hobo, lobo, robo, frizbee, lizbee,
bizbee, boing, boing, bouncy, bouncy, bang, bang, lang-a-lang..." Each word
seemed to conjure a memory and each memory piled up on the other. Years of my
childhood passed by - birthdays, holidays, family gatherings, old TV shows,
etc. I remember going through Christmas 3 separate times - each time thinking
"here it comes again", then living it briefly and watching it pass by. I got
the strange feeling that I was somehow effecting these events in the past
from the present state I was in, and that *strange* things that happened
previously in my life, and in the world around me, were actually a result of
actions I was taking on this trip.
I woke with a breath and realized that I had left my body. I realized that
this is what happens when you dream - you leave your body and go somewhere
else. I looked at the clock-radio and it said 20:12 - Terence's Zero date
(it more likely read 12:20, or 12:02, but I was quite ripped...) I perceived
that all the calendars had broken and that there was no more time. I
believed that I could transcend spacetime and that any thought I had would
instantly become reality. I rolled over and attempted to puch a whole in the
wall. I pounded my fist into the wall and it went right through (as far as I
could tell). I stood up, drew a circle on the wall and proceeded to bust
through it with my head like Kool Aid from those cheesy old commercials.
NOTE: I did not actually bust through the wall, nor did I put my fist
through it, though I certainly felt like I did at the time. Although I
distinctly remember pounding parts of my body against the wall very
forcefully, there were no marks, bruises, or residual pain noticable when I
finally came down. Although I retell the rest of the trip as I remember it,
what I remember and what actually happened certainly must be two different
things...
At this point I started crawling up the wall like spider-man. I flung webs
around the room and spit lightning bolts from my mouth. Somehow (big
surprise) I wound up in the crack between my bed and the wall. I crawled
around under my bed in the dust-bunnies and chewed on the metal bed-frame
like a rabid dog. I was convinced that I was no longer made of matter and
could not hurt myself and could not die. I considered getting a dagger from
my bookcase and stabbing myself to test the hypothesis, but then thought
"emergency rooms are a bummer" and dropped the idea. I became a sperm,
relived my birth, and crawled under the bed like a baby.
I somehow wound up tangled in the frame of my bicycle at the foot of the bed.
I believed I was imprisoned and that I would be trapped there "indefinitely".
The babbling did not stop. It kept going until about 1 am until I thought to
myself "this is silly" and removed myself from the bike-prison. I was covered
with dust and emotionally broken. As if to punctuate the fact that the trip
was over, I urgently had to void my bowels. Becasue of fasting and the enema,
my bowels were clean except for the the chewed mushrooms - which passed
almost totally undigested.
I felt like I had been through a meat grinder. I wanted to sleep but
couldn't. I broke into tears. I felt like a complete idiot. After a glass of
milk (good sleep remedy) I finally passed out. I woke in the morning
invigorated and refreshed.
Conclusions: Although I felt EXTREMELY greatful for the experience while on
the trip, I was unable to pull anything I would call useful or
integrateable from it. The entities seemed to delight in playing with my
ind and feeding me false information. At one point I was told that I have
cancer, and that my girlfriend recently suffered a spontaneous abortion. Both
of these things were sung to me mockingly, like children do on a playground
to hurt each other, and to the best of my knowledge both are false (but
really, who knows...?)
Anyway, I will be staying away from heroic doses for quite a while. My
"normal" dosage of 1.5 - 2.0 grams cubensis with rue booster is quite
enlightening and psychologically workable without all the rampant
craziness.
