From the time when I first heard about mushrooms, after I had my first LSD trip,
I have always felt drawn to them. I read both fact and fiction surrounding magic
mushrooms and about shamans who used them for different purposes. Strangely,
through both periods of drug abstenance and drug use, during my life, I always
wondered about mushrooms and was drawn to the mystery that surrounded them. On
March 29th, 1998, at 19:00, I ingested three grams of dried psilocybe cubensis
mushrooms.
I had told my wife earlier that I would be going on my second
quest, and I could feel that she was uncomfortable with my statement. As I was
ingesting the powdered fungus with orange juice, I signaled to her that I was
starting. She began to get ready to leave the house with the children because
she did not want them to know what I was doing. So, at 19:20 hours, she was
going out the door to take the kids to get shoes and then to church to pray,
obviously for me. As she left, I could see that she sensed how high I was
already getting. And I was already getting high.
At the time I was thinking
that everything would be ok. But, I was also very surprised because the first
time I had taken the shrooms, last weekend, it took me 60 minutes to get to the
level I had already reached in 20. I sat down and watched TV, waiting to see how
things would progress. The room began to flatten and I was gaining altitude at a
somewhat alarming rate. I went back to look at the clock. Only ten minutes had
passed. I knew that I had much more time to go before I peaked, a steady ascent
into the oncoming void.
I kept getting higher, and checking the clock as time
seemed to slow to a stop. I knew I could handle what was to come. That is what I
told myself.
That is when I began to feel the physical discomfort that I
experienced on my first trip the weekend before. My stomach began to feel
uncomfortable, I began to get a fever. I could not stand the heat in the house,
but at the same time I was cold. I kept going up. The discomfort began to
increase until I could not bear it standing up. I went, reluctantly, to my room
and bed, where I had endured my first trip. After I lay down, I attempted to
keep my eyes open and keep my mind off the increasing discomfort. It was no use.
The discomfort turned to pain. I closed my eyes and immediately, my mind and
vision exploded in a tripping frenzy. It was so beautiful, if it weren't for the
pain.
The pain and suffering only got worse. The tripping consumed what
little the pain had not. I thought about how each minute was turning to what
seemed an hour, and how far I had to go. The visual and aural hallucinations
never broke, except when I opened my eyes to see my room and realize that,"Damn,
why did I do this?" I closed my eyes again because I didn't want to deal with
the verbal thought process -- it was just too, of this world.
I remember that
the tripping increased to a phenominal level and consume my suffering body. I
looked at my room, and there were no colors, no tripping. My room had turned
into a dust filled, cobweb draped crypt. I saw thoughts disappear, and saw my
body shrivel into a dry dusty skeleton with dried pieces of skin hanging from
its bones, and no soul. I remembered that evil entities can take a soul or cause
one to lose their soul. So, I started looking for my soul. I, at the time seemed
to be a thoughtless empty, and almost powerless small metaphysical remnant of my
former self, located just outside the rear of the cranium of my skeleton. I
looked through the open volume of the crypt, then, into the cranium of my skull.
I remember I could see the inside of the bones. I searched down through my rib
cage. Then just below my rib cage, I saw what looked like a very very small
piece of a puzzle. I could immediately see it was colored with the same moving
moving tripping colors as I experienced before emanciating into a long dead
corpse. As I focused in on the puzzle, and got closer to it, it drew me in and I
was back into the tripping menagerie. I was awesome. I was truly awe struck at
the power of the tripping. Still I could open my eyes and get no open eye
visuals -- not even walls melting.
I was tripping so hard, and I was so sick.
I felt like I needed to vomit, but I did not have a familiar vomit feeling. I
was so sick. I began to panic. I was in so much pain. I had to do something. So,
I stood up. I had to do something. I walked around once, in a circle trying to
think of what to do and feeling deathly ill. I felt as if I was going to pass
out. I felt myself starting to pass out. Now, I know what it is to pass out, go
unconscious. I have done it quite a few times in my life, smashing my face on
floors or furniture, and waking up all bloody and hurt. So, when I feel that
pass out feeling, and the tunnel vision, and that buzz in my ears, I lower my
body hoping to not passing out or, at least, not having too far to fall if I do
pass out. I lay back on the bed, knowing I would never make it anywhere. All I
had time to think was, "What if I need an ambulance?" I went under.
I, seemed
no more. That space in unconsciousness where one no longer exists pervaded. But
then, it was slightly different. I had no pain, no tripping, because I was out
cold, yet sometime or someplace in the nothingness, I was there, floating in an
almost translucent shell of my body. Suddenly, the top surface of my body, from
my face to my fingertip and toes, disintegrated, to a greeting all surrounding
intensely white bright light. "I", my soul, the "I" that I had never experienced
at such a pure level of "I", rose from my body into the bright light. It was
refreshingly cool, but not in the temperature sense. The light was mind, pure
and all knowing. It spoke to me, where an instant did not exist, where there was
not time, and instantly I was imparted the all knowing essence of the light. It
was so beautiful, peace, knowing, and enlightenment, what seekers have always
searched for, and like what I could never have imagined. I felt a pull back, and
willed myself to stay a little longer. Then, I began to be pulled back.
I
felt my soul come back into my body and I started to regain consciousness. With
the realization that I was drenched with sweat, the mad tripping and intense
illness came back, full force. All I could do was lay there and wonder when I
would peak. I was in such pain, that I did not think about that beautiful
experience right away. I lay there wondering why I had done this. I thought
about my wife having to take the kids out of the house because I was doing
drugs. What a terrible, screwed up father I was! I imagined that she was taking
the children and would leave me. I started to cry uncontrollably. I put my face
into a pillow so that neighbors would not hear me. I thought about the children.
I thought about my traumatic childhood, the absence of my mother, the death of
my father. I could see it all. My psyche had been ripped open and stripped raw
for me to see it all. Each traumatic unresolved and resolved event of my life
was laid open, spread out in front of me to live through and resolve. I was in
agony. I knew that the mushrooms were giving me the opportunity to resolve these
problems. I worked through each one. Agonizing in physical pain, and unable to
move, tormented and harrassed by maurading, trippy hallucinations, I lived
through each experience and came to a realization, only to move on to the next
problem. Wondering how long I was going to trip, I looked back at what had
happened so far, during my trip. I remembered when I left my body. I was filled
with joy for an instant, knowing that I had experienced more than I ever
imagined possible. Suddenly, I became aware that I had passed the peak. I was
finally starting to come down.
I heard my wife come home. She told the
children to let me rest and not bother me. She came to the bedroom door and
asked if I was ok. I told her that I needed to talk to her. She took care of
some stuff and then came back. I told her how I felt, how sick I was. I told her
of my experiences, and what I was learning, and how, and why. She was filled
with amazement. I told her as much as I could. I was so sick and still tripping
hard. I had to go back to focus on what the mushrooms had to show me. She left
me alone. I felt so grateful for all of the experiences. Then, I was back in
shroomland. My psyche ripped raw, the torment, the tripping, and the pain
continued, and I welcomed it.
I learned more than I ever imagined possible
that evening. It seemed to last forever. Eventually, of course, I came down. I
was sick for a couple of days afterward. But, the learning from the experience
continues. The mushroom gave me an indepth syllabus into the reference source of
"myself". The pain was incredible. It was pure hell. But, it was all worth it. I
would do it all over again to reach that high point, and to communicate with the
One, again.
I have chatted with others on this experience and my experience
prior to it. There have been few others who have gotten sick and none who
experienced the illness that I suffered. I suspect that the mushrooms that I
grew were contaminated with an unseen agent. Many of the mushrooms that I
harvested had a smell like sweaty feet when dried. I thought that that was
normal. But, I remember that the largest and healthiest shroom was picked and
dried seperately from the others, and had no odor at all. I had a lot of
mushrooms turn blue at an early stage, and these really stunk when dried. I had
to throw them away. After my trip, the mushrooms stopped growing completely, and
all the substrate, cakes, and cased substrate, broke out in a dark dense green
mold. Yes, I then tossed all of it.
I resolved traumatic experiences that
have tormented me my entire life. I no longer experience depression because I
see my place in this world and the next. I see the world with a new
understanding. My relationship with my wife and children has changed in a
wonderful way because of the insight and foresight that the mushrooms have given
to me. I had so much insight, that I am still reaping the benefits of their
lessons, continuing to learn daily from my experience. Those mushrooms are not a
drug -- they cannot be a drug. Those little mushrooms really are God's Flesh.
The ancients knew it, and used the God's Flesh to cure people of many physical
and mental illnesses. And, I know it.
I would never advise or recommend that
anyone take mushrooms. Look at other people's experiences and decide for
yourself. Respect the mushrooms. Be prepared for what you can never be prepared
for. They may not give you what you want, but, instead, what you need. And, that
may not be a pleasant ride, especially when you come to realize that you can't
get off or stop the ride.
I must thank all of you, at the shroomery, who gave
me advise and guidance, to the ones who went before me and left the mysterious
legends. And, I must express my gratitude to the mushrooms and their words
spoken to me, and ultimately, to the Great One who put them on this earth.
musgil
