I have patiently waited for a month to find a good
time and place to take my 2 dried grams. My parents have just left for
the weekend, my opportunity has arrived! I've done mushrooms 5-6 times
in the past and had good and bad experiences depending on the setting.
Now I have the house to myself (blinds shut, doors locked, phone turned
off) and no responsibilities or expected company, so I blend up my magic
with some oj and take it on an empty stomach at midnight.
Fifteen
minutes later I am getting a strong nervousness in my stomach and am
starting to feel a little loopy. I am surprised it is kicking in so
quick, as five minutes later I am seeing intricate, rainbow
kaleidoscopes everywhere.
First thing I do is smoke some
headband to really get the show going, and soon after I feel like I have
taken just the right amount of mushrooms to get a strong experience
without being too overwhelmed or stressed. I cautiously fill a glass
with ice and water to relieve my dry mouth, my eyes close and I drink as
if for the first time with a loud, involuntary "Guaaaahhhhh!"
Time
has slowed down and my senses, thoughts and feelings fill my attention.
I feel fuzzy, heavy and extremely lethargic. At one point I decide
punching keys on my computer playing Castlevania:SOTN is too much work.
This thought makes me laugh out hard, hysterical laughter.
Uncontrollable giggling like a child, I know I'm laughing like I never
have. The sound is funny and makes me crack up even more. I'm taking
deep breathes laughing, can't stop and it's making me cough.
I
feel absolutely positive about my decision to trip and I have a smile
from ear to ear. Get back to playing the game in front of me after a
half an hour of being so entertained by my thoughts and visual
distortions that I forget about my surroundings. I take a look around
first to confirm my privacy, I am all alone. Get to the first enemy on
the level, it's a zombie that shoots blood everywhere when u kill him. I
hit him with a sword super-quick style three times in a row, "bing!
bwing! bwing!", each shot gives a life bonus and a funny sound.
I
am again laughing uncontrollably, painful laughter, as I imitate the
game sounds and hop around the screen hitting stuff. The game is
endlessly entertaining though I'm unable to get anywhere. I get off as I
promised myself not to sit in front of a tv or computer the whole
night. I crawl into bed after putting on side one of Dark Side of the
Moon. The lights are off, I have a heating pad on for my hurting back
and neck, the stereo is on very low. I'm having closed-eye visuals that
seem to go along with the music.
I'm feeling the music
differently than normal, feel as though it's touching me physically. I
focus my attention on some weird, colorful designs and they morph into
even more complex dances. My attention is turning from the music, to
the sights, to simple yet profound introspection concerning my anxieties
and passions.
My back isn't hurting me as much as I had
expected. My head and jaw feel tight, as if I had too much caffeine or
something. I feel pressure all over, but my pain isn't worse than
normal. I am feeling it in a strange way, it doesn't bother me as
much. I feel relieved that it isn't ruining my trip. I had been
worried about doing it because I've had surgery on my back this year and
the pain is always killing me. I'm in pain but decide that it's the
same as always, a little worse from the excitement but not enough to
ruin the moment.
I think about my back and how I haven't given
myself enough slack for hanging in there. I again realize how I have
set my standards higher than I can reach. I haven't felt good not being
able to work as much and not being sure if I'll get better. I start to
realize that I have been happy even without being where i wanted to be,
and I feel safer about how my life is going to be. I consider many
things that I usually keep out of my awareness as they cause me fear. I
come to grips with some of the things I don't want to admit and I feel
grounded in what I am doing with my life.
This type of thinking
and feeling continues for the next few hours. I am crying and
experiencing hurts from the past, hurts I haven't felt in a while, and
releasing current pains that I haven't been able to cry about. I feel
deeply connected to them, I do not have to think about them they come on
their own and posses me. It feels true, powerful and helpful. I also
laugh and feel good about things I have overcome and delight at
confusions no longer misunderstood.
I feel all the way back to
the issue at the center of all my fears and sorrows. I feel insecure
and unworthy, have been rejected or mistreated in the past. Some of it
from my family, that I now start to feel like I haven't in years. It is
not angry or anxious, it is sorrowful, forgiving... I weep and
remember things I pretended weren't still affecting me. I feel a desire
to amend everything broken and plan on reconnecting to those I have a
conflict with.
Throughout this I am remembering things that cause
me pain and stress and forgiving myself. I feel more empathy towards
myself as I feel this need to be loved and wanted stronger than I feel
the need to breathe. It is an aching, a pure yearning and tangible
hurt. I am laughing and joyful as I experience a lifetime of open
wounds. I think to myself, "so this is what it's like to experience
sadness and happiness at the same time."
I have seen people on
drugs with angry laughter and other mixed emotions, usually scary and
confusing, but this feels right and isn't weird or uncomfortable. I
have an exhausting but healing laughing, crying and thinking phase,
where I take a hot bath, listen to music bouncing off the walls and
influencing visuals, and sit up deep in thought about often hidden
feelings that are sitting right in front of me.
I start to think
about my ex girlfriends, how I still love them, how even after we broke
up we hadn't stopped caring about each other, I think about breaking up
with my last one and how much it hurt her. I begin to regret breaking
up with anyone, forget why I haven't talked to my ex and tried to get
back together. I feel like I used to five years ago and am fully in
love with her again, miss her and am surprised I feel this way.
I
want to call her right then and tell her i love her. I consider
marrying her and having kids, having everything i have ever wanted but
didn't feel worthy of receiving. It all seems possible and I know it is
good. Of course, I decide not to call anyone or do anything other than
consider it and think about it again tomorrow. I think to myself, "I
wish all my ex's and I could be together!" and this thought makes me
laugh like crazy, I feel silly and love my train of thought.
Many
other thoughts and feelings all went through my head, receiving my full
attention and a willingness to experience. Throughout it all the
thought keeps coming to my head, "I am so grateful for this experience, I
feel like it is helping me to be whole again." I watch the sunrise as
my visuals recede and my mind slows down. The trip is ending but I'm
not holding onto it. I got what I came for, I have expressed enough
joys, sorrows and feelings for me to ponder over for a long while. The
entire thing has been a wonderful experience and has given me more
confidence in my decision to trip, I wish it could be done without
scandal or hiding.
I fall asleep at 9 and don't wake up until 7
at night. I have a slight headache but I feel refreshed and in touch
with my fears. I am ready to face them and continue to work on my
self-esteem and perception about self worth concerning work and pain.
Instead of feeling like I did something irresponsible, I feel like I
have done a wonderful thing for my mental and physical health. Like I
have been given a gift, a reminder about intense emotions hiding
underneath my habitual, everyday consciousness. I feel good about life
and hopeful for the future...
