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Azarius
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Complete dissociation

Becoming undead



I'm not sure how many grams this is, but this is what I took.


It was about twice what I took the first time.
The first time I took them around 11pm while I was in my bedroom alone listening to relaxing music.
That trip was enjoyable. It took about 75 minutes until I felt anything. I'd classify it as a level 2.

This time I ate these mushrooms on a nearly empty stomach, drank about 600ml of orange juice and ate half a bar of dark chocolate. I did this all shortly after midnight, around 12:20am.

My first mistake was doing this alone, in my parents house.
My second mistake was being worried they were going to find me. I was never in the best mood for something such as this.

About 20 minutes in, the effects hit me hard (nearly empty stomach, OJ and dark chocolate probably made it effect me quicker). I was worried at this point that I had taken too much, but I tried to relax. I sat on my bed and looked at my doors which were pulsating, breathing and turning green. I was chuckling at how comical and entertaining this was. I did this for probably about 5 minutes until I looked at my wooden dresser. The colour of it was very intense. The drawers were becoming closer and farther from each other, shifting shape. I'd look away and look back and the colour of the wood was constantly becoming more intense. It unsettled me every time.

20 minutes after feeling the effects I was sitting on my bed texting some friends explaining how I felt. I began thinking very deeply about human relationships. Why we don't spend 100% of our time with other people was beyond me. I found it quite distressing that we just completely gloss over the importance of other people our whole lives. Without other people to view ourselves against, we have nothing. There are no observers that can exist to observe this beautiful planet if we humans don't exist. I deduced that fire is the only eternal thing and as such, fire is art. Fire is the only art.

After about an hour or slightly more of being locked on my bed I looked up at my doors again and burst into laughter. They were ridiculously funny for reasons I do not understand and even at the time did not understand. Everything I read or looked at caused me to laugh uncontrollably. I couldn't contain it at all.

I then sat down on the end of my bed and this is where things get slightly fuzzy. I remember becoming worried. My friend texted me asking if I was okay. All I could muster was a simple 'No'. I looked at my computer and the time was 2:12am. I didn't know I was on mushrooms at this point. I remember grasping my feet in pure panic thinking "I have no idea what I am, where I am, or what I exist for". I wasn't sure I was 'alive' but I wasn't sure I was 'dead' either. I just was this being in eternal damnation essentially. Not damnation as in I believed I was in Hell, but rather in that it was impossible to escape the pure terror. I was going to be stuck in this forever. If I could have understood how to kill myself (in order to make whatever was going on stop), I would have. Luckily I wasn't able to get find a knife (even though I have a few in my bedroom) or open the window as I didn't understand the general concept of 'jumping out a window will kill you'.

About 10 minutes of this later, I thought to myself in the most simple terms 'fuck it, it can't get any worse than this, let's see what else exists'. I wasn't able to understand, 'my house is on the other side of that door', so I just wandered. I walked out of my room, felt familiarity with what I saw, though I wasn't sure what it was. I walked into my parents bedroom and said "I'm very confused" (yes, I am aware I shouldn't have done this alone in my parents' house). I repeated that a few times. My parents asked if I was sleep walking. I said I wasn't sure. At this point I wasn't aware I was a human being. I could only tell there was 'being'. What type of being I was and we were was not even in the question. Being was all I was sure of. After a few minutes of this confused they walked me back to my bedroom where I went into my bed and went under the covers. I just hid. I didn't know what I was hiding from but I didn't want to be where I was. The covers seemed to provide a very weak layer of protection but it was the best place I could have gone to. It was the only place I felt even close to safe. I felt as though I was spinning and floating through all of space and time. I was eternal, indestructible and unsure of anything.

What I was later told was only a few minutes, my parents came back to my bedroom as they knew something was wrong but they had no idea what was wrong. They thought it was a medical issue of some sort as that was all they could chock it up to. They didn't believe I would have ingested any type of mind altering substance. They phoned the paramedics as they ran through issues in their heads such as stroke or diabetic coma and the like. I didn't know who my Mom or Dad were but I told them I liked them and they made me feel as safe as I could feel. My sister came into my room at this point due to hearing all the noise (FML, I fucked up big time). I then pointed at my Dad and said "you are death itself. You are not dead... you are death itself". I head them talking and asked questions such as "what is a book", "what is a friend?" and "what is an animal?" The paramedics eventually got into my room where I was still rolling around on my bed trying to hide myself from whatever was external to me (as it was the unknown). They did some tests or something as I found the wrap from a bandage in my room the next morning. They walked me down to the ambulance. I went with them even though I still don't remember seeing anything. I could only 'sense' things. I was calm but I did try to return to my room. They told me I had to go with them, so I did. I had no reason not to.

They then asked me questions but I faded out and quickly couldn't hear anything they were saying. They apparently shined lights into my eyes to see my pupils (which were apparently the full size of my iris). It would have been around 3am by this point.

Some of the scariest thoughts now entered my mind.

I believed nothing physical existed. My non-physical mind was the only entity ever to have existed and nothing else would ever exist. I invented everything within this mind. I tried working through things such as, if there is currently nothing, there could never have been nothing as it would be impossible for something to come from nothing.

Soon after I believed my mind was 13 billion years old (as that is the size of the observable universe, and my mind IS the universe).

I then progressed to believing I was that age, but 'living' backwards. I started at death and had to move towards life. Moving towards life was entirely dependant upon how I think. If I accept that everything is in my mind, that's a movement closer to 'life' and complete fulfillment, happiness and joy. Pure happiness is so close! I kept repeating "I'm so close" as I thought I needed to accept everything was in my mind in order to exist in peace. I was blown away at how clever this was:

Accepting everything is in my mind is the only way to happiness. "I am so close!"

I could remember a few things from my life, ie, my car, where I spend time with friends, though that was about it.

I at one point thought I was dead. I had crashed my car and was experiencing death. I was in this hospital and everyone in there was dead. They had lived a life and were now stuck in the state they had died in, just existing in this hospital of death.

I could eventually see the hospital I was in. I thought it was a hallucination (this doesn't really make sense with the idea of me being in a hospital of dead patients, but it's what I thought). All the people walking around, the nurses and the doctors were all in my head. I told who was being mean to me to get away from me and to stop being a mean bitch. I figured I had nothing to lose.

About half an hour later (I think) it was around 7am. I can begin to see the IV in my arm and my fingertips and understand they exist in 'reality'. I was blown away with joy. I finally have a body! There is nothing that can go wrong now.

Over 4 hours of pure terror later, I began to come out of it.

Seeing my hands was the happiest point of my life. The hands symbolized the end of terror.

I learned many things with this bad trip. One of them being if you're going to do any hallucinogenic, make sure you do it right. Feel comfortable and safe; never do them alone.

Sensi Seeds
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