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first time, scary and beautiful

Powerful emotions, no hallucinations



I was at my friends house getting super high off a vaporizer, when I spotted a plastic cup full of shrooms.  I asked him how much for them and he cut me a deal at $15 for the shrooms in the cup since they were only 3.2g instead of a full 1/8 (he usually sells 1/8's for $20).  I was high and not sure of my judgement so i told him I'd hold off and call him the next day.

Well the next day rolled around and I decided I still wanted them, so I drove down to his house and picked them up, returning to my home.  In my bedroom with the door shut (I was at home for spring break) I ate about half of the shrooms.  An hour passed and I started to feel a little high, and decided I wanted to feel even more so, so I took the bag out and slowly ate the rest of them while watching cartoons.  After a half an hour, I started to feel like my room was too small for me and i felt uncomfortable.  I was also laughing too hard (despite how hard I was trying not to, but I'd forget I was being loud) so I decided to head downstairs to my families living room.  I reached my kitchen and felt a sudden pang of guilt that hit me in the stomach so hard I felt like i was going to throw up. Standing in my kitchen, wondering "Would my mom be disappointed in me?".  i felt horrible. but I reminded myself that this was my decision to make, I wasn't hurting anyone, and i was using the shrooms as an experimental treatment for my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and my depression.  After this I felt better about myself and turned to walk into my family room where my dog stood.  He scared the shit out of me to be honest, as I hadnt noticed him come down the stairs.  He stood staring at me, me staring at him, for a good 2 full minutes, the whole time he had a big grin on his face (he always does though, thats not a hallucination, it just always looks like he has a huge smile).  I looked at his eyes and saw bloody rings in them.  Like the skin there had been peeled off.  I realized that he was not a dog at all, but a four legged blood covered monster that was simply wearing the skin of a dog, Silence of the Lambs style.  I flicked on the light and my intense fear faded.  It was just my dog, so I went over and petted him on the head (I have to admit I tugged at his fur slightly to make sure it was attached haha).  I then made myself comfortable o the couch and watched cartoons while browsing the internet on my laptop, the blankets seemed to envelope me.  I was warm and covered in blankets, perfectly happy and comforted.  I noticed during this time that certain shows on TV gave me bad vibes and I quickly changed the channel to more enjoyable things. 

After a while, my cat came to see me on the couch and ii petted him and I talked to him.  He seemed to understand.  I kept talking to him as he sat on the other end of the couch and he made regular eye contact, as if we were holding a conversation.  I got up and went to my kitchen and he followed me.  I layed down with my belly on the linoleum (something a tend to do sober as well) so I could be at eye level with him.  We talkied more and i felt his understanding once again.  After a while I stood up, and then he walked towards the door and looked at me, a clear request to be let outside to use the bathroom (yes, my cat poops outside).  I knelt before him and told him I really enjoyed the time we spent together and that I trusted he would rejoin me later in my trip.  I felt a sense of mutual respect.  I then let him out and returned to the couch.

After a while I decided I might be wasting the trip watching TV, so I got up and went to the bathroom.  After flushing, I realized I was in the darkest possible room of my house, and a friend had recommended sitting in the dark for a while during my trip.  I turned out teh light and stood in almost complete blackness, watching myself in the mirror.  Suddenly I saw myself as I would imagine others see me.  i didnt recognize me as myself.  i knew it was me in the mirror but there was no self recognition.  I looked at myself and for the first time in a long time saw a worthwhile human being.  I learned not to hate myself, and see how beautiful I really am.  "Any woman would be lucky to have you" I said to myself, and for the first time I said something along those lines I actually believed it.  To this day (a week later lol) I believe its helped me with my self esteem.  People have always told me I was somewhat goodlooking, but I never believed them until that moment.

After that ordeal, I began to sing, all of this still within my bathroom.  I switched to whistling because it was quieter, and from my soul poured the most soulful music I've ever heard.  I couldn't stop, and for the rest of the night I whistled with such passion and intensity.  During this time (still in the bathroom) I began to look at myself again and see nature within myself.  I saw that I was a natural being, and that although y existance is a cosmic accident, mother nature had birthed me.  I felt the touch of mother nature, and for the first time felt a strong femininity from the mushrooms (meaning I believe the mushrooms have feminine energies, not that I felt like a woman haha).  I felt so touched by this knowledge of mother nature and my part in nature that I began to cry.  It was one of the most beautiful experiences I've ever had.

After this I was hungry, so I microwaved some pasta my mom had made earlier (gotta love italian families) and sat down to eat it, realizing that it didnt taste like anything.  I watched Roseanne Barr's standup comedy (I have NO idea why, I'd never do it sober haha) and she was funny.  More than that she struck me as a powerful woman, much like the mushrooms I was on, and this gave me some comfort.  I then watched some old movie based on some Arabian Nights story, and I was enthralled by the cheesy special effects that felt so real to me.  After the movie I returned to my kitchen to see my cat in the window.  I let him in, and he stayed by my side as I walked up the stairs to my room.  He stayed with me, curled up on my bed, until I fell asleep at 6am.  Although we have a good friendship and he's generally a pretty affectionate cat, he has never been so friendly.  This close relationship with my cat continued until I left for school again some 5 days later.  I feel that mushrooms gave me and my cat a strong sense of mutual respect.

Now I'm back at school, but the positive energy of the trip has stayed with me. I feel relief from my OCD, and a sever diminishment of depressed (and I regret to say slightly suicidal) feelings. Also, I'm still whistling.  Everyday I whistle.  Even in public places.  I could quiet myself, but I'd rather not. I plan on taking shrooms again the first chance I get, but they're hard to come by here =(.  I'll be amazed if anyone makes it this far, but if you do, thanks for reading! I'm glad I could share such a wonderful experience with someone.

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